Dating

The Secret to a Long Life? Love.

Love, family, and friendship are basic human needs. People around the world consider their relationships with family and close friends as their most significant source of meaning, purpose, and motivation in their lives. This is for a very good reason—studies have shown that not having enough social connections increases the chances of dying by at least 50%.

If that’s shocking to hear, just wait. Social isolation has serious and far-reaching consequences for our health and well-being. Science has many theories on how to live past 100, but there’s one that stands above the rest. Of all the “secrets” to living a long life, the truth to longevity might just lie in our ability to deeply connect with one another.

Loneliness is a Disease, Too

The link between a lack of strong social relationships and detrimental health outcomes is impossible to ignore.  It can lead to chronic activation of different systems in our body, such as the immune, neuroendocrine, and metabolic systems.

These systems are involved in the development of common age-related health issues like heart problems and some types of cancer. Having less social support, being socially isolated, or just feeling lonely, can increase inflammation similar to the effects of physical inactivity.

Chronic inflammation throughout the body is connected to various chronic illnesses like heart disease, cancer, diabetes, depression, and Alzheimer's disease.  It also contributes to various mental, cognitive, and physical health issues that raise the risk of premature death.

Earlier this year, the United States became one of a list of countries that have declared loneliness to be an epidemic. The US Surgeon General released an 82-page report titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation”. It details many of the causes of social isolation, as well as its effects, both societal and individual. According to this report, research indicates that poor social connections are associated with a 29% higher risk of heart disease and a 32% increased risk of stroke.

Additionally, chronic loneliness and social isolation in older adults can elevate the risk of developing dementia by approximately 50%.  Studies have found connections between social relationships and markers of inflammation, poorer immune function, and overall bodily stress.

The study also found that people who are more stressed tend to have fewer friends or social connections. Those dealing with stressful relationships often engage in unhealthy habits like poor eating and increased smoking. Stress can have widespread effects throughout our body, and the way our body’s systems handle stress plays a big role in how long we live.

Treating the Loneliness Epidemic

The Surgeon General’s plan also detailed a plan to combat the effects of social isolation from individual, community, and national perspectives. The plan includes specific recommendations for governments, healthcare workers, and regular individuals, as well as many others. The US isn’t the only country dealing with a loneliness epidemic; it’s spread worldwide.

In some parts of the UK, family doctors (GPs) are now suggesting activities like book clubs to help patients with both health and personal issues. This survey found that one in five visits to GPs in England is because of non-medical problems, like feeling lonely or having trouble with work or relationships.

Here's how it works: When a GP sees that a patient has non-medical needs, like needing help with money, getting around, or making friends, they connect them with a social prescribing link worker. These link workers are not doctors but professionals who talk to the person, figure out their problems, make a plan together based on what the person wants, and connect them with the right resources.

The results seem positive. About half of the 9,000 people helped by British Red Cross link workers said they didn't feel lonely anymore after about 12 weeks. This shows that addressing non-medical issues through social prescribing can really make a difference in people's lives.

The Japanese government has tried something even more surprising. One in five Japanese women in their fifties have never been married; more shockingly, one-third of Japanese men in their fifties said the same. Over time, young people’s lack of interest or ability to start a family led to a steadily declining birth rate. To alleviate this problem,  In 2020, they unveiled plans to invest in AI-powered matchmaking software.

The jury is still out on whether this attempt at playing cupid for its citizens will have an impact on Japan’s birth rate. It takes time for couples to meet and decide to settle down together, so we won’t see the results of this matchmaking experiment for another few years. What we can see is that even governments around the world are noticing the powerful effects of connection.

Connection is the Best Medicine

More diverse social networks were associated with greater resistance to the common cold. People who have strong connections with others are more eat well, smoke less, and are a bit more active. A comprehensive study found that respondents who reported close friendships saw a 9% increase in their likelihood to exercise and reduced the risk of depression by 17%.

Researchers also noticed the relationship between social bonds and major health consequences. They saw a 19% lower likelihood of having a stroke, and a 24% lower chance of passing away before the end of the eight-year study.

In a 2016 study, researchers found that people who have more friends or a bigger social circle are also better at enduring pain. The reason behind this is linked to a natural chemical in our brains called endorphin, which is a powerful painkiller, even stronger than morphine.

Endorphins not only help us cope with stress, whether it's physical or emotional, but they also give us a good feeling when we're around others, making us want to connect socially. The presence of longstanding social connections promotes our brain’s ability to produce endorphins, making them more readily available to us in times of physical discomfort.

In the context of chronic health conditions, social support has also proven to be beneficial. In diabetic patients, family involvement and support have consistently demonstrated positive effects on disease management for both type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

In both the long- and short-term, being with the people we love is good for our health. From reducing stress to increasing cognitive functioning, the benefits are evident. So, if you’re looking for your personal fountain of youth, start by exploring your friendships and family relationships. That’s where the real magic is.

by Darci Johnson

What Does Vulnerability Look Like in New Relationships?

Vulnerability is the foundation upon which healthy and long-lasting relationships are built. It involves being open and honest with your partner about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, even when doing so is uncomfortable or challenging. When seeing someone new, vulnerability is especially important because it allows you to establish trust and create a deeper connection with your partner. 

In new relationships, vulnerability can take many forms, but it often involves sharing personal information that you might not typically share with others.  For example, it may look like sharing your hopes and dreams, even if you think they may seem silly or unrealistic. It may look like opening up about your fears, insecurities, or past traumas. It can also take the form of expressing your feelings and emotions, even when they're difficult to articulate or understand.

Vulnerability also involves being honest about your expectations and needs in the relationship. For instance, if you're looking for a serious commitment, it's important to express that to your partner so that you're both on the same page. It can also look like asking for help or support when you need it. This can be challenging, especially if you're used to being self-sufficient, but it's important to recognize that asking for help is okay.  By doing so, you are showing your partner that you trust and value their opinion.

Why is vulnerability Important?

When we enter into a new relationship, it can be tempting to present ourselves in the best possible light. We may hide our flaws and vulnerabilities, hoping to impress the other person and win their affection. However, this approach can ultimately backfire, as it prevents us from developing deep and meaningful connections with our partners.

As Brene Brown shares, the ability to be vulnerable requires you to believe that you are worthy of a deep connection. By doing so, we allow our truest self to be seen and heard. We give our partner the opportunity to know us on a deeper level and to connect with us in a more authentic way. Feeling seen and understood can lead to a deeper sense of trust and intimacy within the relationship. 

When we are willing to be vulnerable, we are taking a risk. However, we are also becoming more resilient. There is always the possibility of being hurt or rejected, but by facing these fears, we develop tools to cope with difficult emotions when they arise. We are also sending the message to our partner that we trust them enough to share our true feelings and in doing so, we encourage them to do the same. Trust and authenticity are essential for building a lasting connection. 

Steps to being vulnerable in your relationships

Starting a new relationship can be an exciting and rewarding experience, but it can also be intimidating and scary. Vulnerability requires you to let your guard down and expose your true feelings and emotions, which can be difficult, especially if you have been hurt in the past. However, it is an essential part of building a strong and healthy relationship. Let’s look at some practical steps you can take.

1. Recognize the Benefits of Vulnerability

Vulnerability allows you to connect with your partner on a deeper level, build trust, and strengthen your emotional bond. It also allows your partner to understand your true feelings and emotions, which can help them support you better.

2. Identify Your Fears

Take some time to reflect on what makes you afraid to be vulnerable. Is it the fear of rejection? Or, are you afraid of being misunderstood or judged? Once you identify your fears, you can work to address them and overcome them.

3. Practice Active Listening

When your partner shares something with you, make sure to actively listen and respond in a supportive and empathetic way. Giving your full attention, asking follow up questions, and validating their feelings will help build trust and make your partner feel safe and comfortable.

4. Be Honest

Honesty is key in any relationship, and it's especially important when it comes to vulnerability. Be honest about your feelings, even if they are difficult to express. Your partner will appreciate your honesty and will be more likely to reciprocate.

5. Take Things Slow And Set Boundaries

Building a strong and healthy relationship takes time, and there is no rush to share your deepest fears and insecurities on the first date. Begin by sharing small things about yourself and your life, such as your interests, hobbies, and goals. As you become more comfortable, you can gradually build up to more personal topics. Set some healthy boundaries in the beginning and only share what you are comfortable with. There’s plenty of time to talk, so you don’t need to overshare early on.

If you are in a new relationship, take some time to reflect on your level of vulnerability. Are there certain areas where you could be more open and honest with your partner? Remember, vulnerability is a process and it takes time to build. By taking these steps, you can work to overcome your fears and become more vulnerable with your partner. Remember, vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness, and it's an essential component of any successful relationship. While it can be difficult at times, the rewards of a deeper emotional connection and a strong relationship are well worth the risk.

by Lindsay Mills

What You Should Know About Dating a Narcissist

Your ideal relationship is one where you’re cherished and loved for exactly who you are. You want a partner who will laugh with you, not at you. You want to fall deeply in love with someone who celebrates your success and will care for you in hard times. You’re looking for real love, but I’m very sorry to say, you won’t find any of this in your relationship with a narcissist. So, how do you date a narcissist? The simple answer is, you don’t.

Narcissism is characterized by a heightened sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a desire for admiration and control. At first glance, these traits may come across as confidence, assertiveness, and high self-esteem, all traits that make a narcissistic person very appealing as a romantic partner, at least initially. However, as the relationship progresses, the true nature of a narcissist becomes increasingly apparent, bringing harm to your self-esteem and well-being.

For those who have never encountered this person in their dating life, recognizing the signs of narcissism is essential to avoiding this type of toxic relationship. And for those who unfortunately have, understanding narcissistic abuse and its effects on your self-esteem can help you recognize and address the negative beliefs that you have internalized.

How to Spot a Narcissist

There are some common traits that narcissists share. It’s important to remember that not everyone who displays one or even a few of these traits is necessarily a narcissist. However, if you are experiencing these behaviors in your relationship, it may be an early warning sign that you’re dating a narcissist.

The American Psychiatric Association describes a narcissist as someone with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. This pattern must have begun by early adulthood and must be present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 (or more) of the following:

1. 1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. - exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
   2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
   3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
   4. Requires excessive admiration
   5. Has a sense of entitlement (i.e. - unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations)
   6. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e. - takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends)
   7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
   8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
   9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Narcissists are often charming and charismatic, which can be appealing in the early stages of a relationship. Initially, a narcissistic partner may shower you with compliments, gifts, and attention. They may seem confident, charming, and charismatic, making it easy for you to fall in love with them.

However, as the relationship progresses, the true nature of the narcissistic partner may become increasingly apparent. Their confidence can quickly turn into arrogance and entitlement. They may feel that they are deserving of special treatment, to be admired and praised at all times, and to always be the center of attention in social situations.

How to Date a Narcissist

Dating a narcissist can be dizzying. In the beginning, they may pepper you with questions, and the number of interests and opinions you share will make you think you have met your soulmate. A narcissist is a perfect mirror, so if you are their target for becoming narcissistic supply they will suddenly have an amazing amount of things in common with you. This is how the cycle begins.

The cycle of discarding is a pattern of behavior that occurs when one partner in a relationship repeatedly engages in the process of idealization, devaluation, and eventual discard of their romantic partner.

The cycle of discarding begins with idealization, where the narcissistic partner may "lovebomb" you, showering you with affection, attention, and gifts. They may appear to be very compassionate, telling you often about their love for you, the social causes you believe in, and the other people in their life.

In the beginning, it’s not obvious that a narcissist lacks empathy because they will often go to great lengths to hide this from you. For a time, the narcissist may appear to be the perfect partner, often going out of their way to make you feel special and loved. This behavior is designed to create an emotional bond and dependence in you, the target.

However, this idealization phase is short-lived, and once you become emotionally attached, a narcissistic partner may become more interested in talking about themselves than in getting to know you. Narcissists have a limited capacity for empathy, so they may not be able to understand or care about your feelings.

The narcissist will do or say things to devalue you, your opinions, and your contributions to your relationship. They may also be insensitive to your needs and show little interest in your life and opinions. They may belittle or demean you, hoping to cause you to feel inadequate, unworthy, and powerless.

If they do show interest, a narcissistic partner may be quick to criticize or judge you, even when you have done nothing wrong. They may make you feel like you are never good enough, no matter how hard you try. They may also blame you for things that are not your fault.

What is gaslighting? It's a form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question themselves - giving the abusive partner even more power.

This can easily turn into gaslighting or manipulating the truth to make you question your own memory, perception, or sanity. They may deny saying or doing something that you know they did and make you believe that you are the one who is mistaken.

A narcissistic partner may try to control your decisions and behavior or may become upset if they don't get their way or if they do not receive the attention they believe they deserve. They may also demand that you prioritize their needs over your own, isolating you from your loved ones.

Look for boundary-pushing in the beginning. A narcissistic partner won't respect boundaries, and in the early stages of your relationship, they are testing to see if they can push and break your boundaries without real consequences.

For instance, they may disregard your boundary about not talking on your phone at work by constantly calling or texting until you respond. If you try to reassert the boundary that has been crossed, your narcissistic partner may overreact, maybe even explosively so.

This does not mean that a narcissist will be okay with their own boundaries being crossed, however. You will be expected to follow the rules your narcissist creates, no matter how unreasonable. Anything they perceive as a failure to meet their standards is out of the question in a relationship with a narcissist.

Regardless of whether you’re dealing with a narcissist, it is important to establish clear boundaries within your relationship and communicate them clearly. This may involve setting limits on certain behaviors or insisting on a certain level of respect in the relationship. If the hurtful behavior continues or if you feel that your mental and emotional health is at risk, consider ending the relationship. This can be a difficult and painful decision, but it is important to prioritize your own well-being.

How to Recover from a Narcissist

The first step in rebuilding self-worth is to acknowledge the emotional toll that the relationship has taken. It’s important to allow yourself to process these emotions in a healthy way. This may mean facing the painful reality of the situation and recognizing that the narcissistic partner was not the person they appeared to be.

It may take some time before you feel ready to date again. This is totally normal, and you should be patient with yourself as you work on rebuilding confidence and your ability to trust. When you are ready again, be wary of red flags, but also try to look out for green flags in the people you date. Take a look at your dating checklist, and consider revising it, or ditching it altogether. Lead with your heart and your values.

It is essential to recognize that healing from a narcissistic relationship is a process that takes time. Be gentle with yourself and focus on your progress, rather than your setbacks.

Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Forgive yourself for any mistakes or shortcomings, and focus on your strengths. Remember that you are deserving of love and worthy of respect. Look ahead to the amazing things coming your way.

by Genevieve Gresset

Are you Dating or Interviewing?

When you’re a busy professional, carving out time for a date is a challenge. Nobody wants to feel like they’ve wasted their time, but this is even more important when you’ve got to be awake at 5am tomorrow morning. It’s tempting, then, to turn the first date into an interview of sorts. While this is a great way to find the one in a pool of job candidates, it might actually be a harmful approach to dating. Here are a few ways to tell if you’re inviting your new flame to a first date or a job interview:

You SHOULD seek out a compatible partnership. You SHOULDN’T create a strict list of required experience and skills.

Take some time to become familiar with what your values are. Spend a moment thinking about what you truly need from a partner, and keep those things in mind when you’re dating. However, it won’t help you to create an extensive list of requirements. It’s very important to remember that “husband” and “wife” are not job titles, nor do they entail a specific list of duties. You should look for a partner whose values align with your own, but you shouldn’t allow minor differences to stop you in your tracks.

When you find yourself becoming the interviewer on a date, take a moment to remind yourself what is happening. A first date doesn’t need to entail more than a friendly conversation. You won’t be evaluating someone’s fitness for a role based on preset qualifications. When you approach dating from an interviewing perspective, you lose the chance to define the terms of any future relationship together. Every relationship is unique, and it will serve you to remember that you are looking to build a life together, not fill a subordinate position in the office.

You SHOULD be aware of any potential hurdles. You SHOULDN’T let them stand in the way of a great partnership.

When you’re single, it’s easy to view any potential new relationship from the outside in. You study every detail and possible future of the life you might live together. When a relationship starts to get serious, this can be a helpful exercise. However, when you’re just dating, picturing the future together often leads to creating a list of reasons “why not”. It’s a good sign when you can picture your life with your partner. But before you’ve decided to emotionally invest in a relationship with someone, this kind of thinking can instead serve to keep you single.

You might look at their career, their home, or even their neighborhood, and wonder how you could ever be happy together. The obstacle standing between you won’t disappear, but for the right person, they’re worth overcoming. Twenty minutes sounds like a long drive for a date with someone you haven’t fallen for. But for someone who makes you feel on top of the world? It’s no time at all.

You SHOULD choose a meeting time and place together. You SHOULDN’T treat your date like a business meeting.

Showing up on time is important in both the dating and business worlds, but that’s usually where the similarities end. When you meet your date, there won’t be an itinerary printed out and waiting on the table. You’re not selling anything or trying to bring in an important client. You’re just there to get to know someone new, and the only thing on the agenda is to spend time together.

Longing to be deeply in love makes it easy to dread the dating process. When you don’t feel a spark on the first date, it can be tempting to view the whole endeavor as a failed contract bid. Thinking about any potential relationship is a complete non-starter. This mindset might help you out at work, but it won’t help you down the aisle. Relationships develop, and it takes time to fall for someone new. If you shut down negotiations every time you realize you’re not already in love, you’ll never get to experience the falling.

You SHOULD put your best foot forward. You SHOULDN’T lie about your background to get a callback.

Do you ever feel like you’re the interviewee on a first date? There have been hundreds of articles and advice columns about what you should do to make your night - and yourself - memorable. Some of it is genuinely good advice: you should wear an outfit that’s well-fitted, comfortable, and appropriate for your date; you should make an effort to be pleasant and charming; you should be willing to step a little out of your comfort zone. This is all great stuff to keep in mind, but it can become overwhelming to focus on being perfect.

On a date with someone who seems perfect for you, it might sound like a good idea to overstate how much you love dogs and scrapbooking. This might work fine for a casual fling, but it won’t benefit you, in the long run, to lie about the parts of your life that you’ll share in a relationship. We often hear people talk about their partner being everything they ever dreamed of, but the truth is no relationship is completely perfect. There will be boxes you don’t check off for everyone you date, even the person you’ll eventually marry.

by Darci Johnson