Nothing in life is even, fair, or balanced. There is always a give and take, credits and debits. But what happens when there’s a significant imbalance in your relationship for a long period of time? When one of you isn’t pulling your weight and the other’s love tank is running on fumes?
Relationships are never 50/50, despite couples unfairly using this as the golden rule. Sometimes the split is 60/40 or even a 25/75 ratio. Life throws different challenges at us—work stress, family obligations, personal health. Shifting efforts is common and expected.
When it becomes a problem is when those inequities remain imbalanced long-term. Partnerships don’t run on autopilot. Both parties must take the driver’s seats at times. Great partnerships have two sets of keys and you both need to drive from time to time.
A strong relationship is flexible and resilient, adapting to these fluctuations with grace. When both partners recognize and effectively communicate about shifts in their dynamic, they can support each other better and maintain a healthy relationship.
You Get Out What You Put in
My great-grandmother would always give me this advice:
With anything you do, the outcome will always reflect the amount of effort you put into it.
If you’re not expending the energy it takes to keep your relationship going, it will suffer.
Relationships aren’t passive pleasures. They require continual effort and constant work. When one person stops actively participating, both people feel the effects. One person can only carry the weight for so long before it fails.
Think of your relationship as a garden. Without regular tending—watering, weeding, and nurturing—it won’t flourish. Your consistent effort encourages the trust, intimacy, and growth that your relationship needs to thrive. For a healthy relationship garden, both partners need to invest time and effort.
Don’t Put Your Effort Into Overdrive
So what happens when there is an imbalance in your relationship and your partner is perfectly content with cruising along in the passenger seat? If your primary Love Language is quality time or acts of service, you probably tend to make life pretty easy for them.
Years ago, I had a boyfriend whose job required him to move every two years. It was a financially sound, yet nomadic life best suited for someone single. When we first met, we were only an hour apart. But soon, visiting him required a flight instead of a tank of gas.
Before every move, we set expectations of how often we needed to talk on the phone and see one another before he moved on to the next new town.
I should note, made a conscious decision to view each of his relocations as a positive thing. Now, we could experience so many new firsts together.
So, taking two planes to see him was an adventure resulting in new shared experiences instead viewing it as a detriment of distance. After years of this, I paused one day and realized how much inequity of effort there really was in my relationship. His life became so easy. He no longer had to get on a plane, or drive to see me because he knew, even expected, me to do all the leg work of travel. He no longer had to try, because he knew I would.
What do you do when your relationship is out of balance and your partner is content to coast? If your love language is also quality time or acts of service, you might find yourself making all of the effort for them. Over time, this can lead to burnout and resentment, so try to talk it out before you reach this point. Often when resentment begins to grow, it can be difficult to weed out. It’s best to nip it in the bud and bring your relationship into a more balanced state.
Does the Weight of Your Effort Need to Go on a Diet?
In my own case, I realized that all of the growth, strength, and longevity of this long-distance relationship was solely attributed to the heaviness of the sacrifices and effort that I put in.
So, I stopped. I went on an effort diet. I stopped getting on planes. I stopped driving hours through multiple states. I stopped getting a house sitter for my pets. I simply stopped putting that level of effort into us, with the belief that he would jump into the driver’s seat.
Guess what? We crashed and burned. Connectivity and communication halted. It is not easy to let go of the heaviness of your efforts, but at what point do you demand to fix the imbalance in your relationship? When it was his turn, he dropped the ball. I often would talk to him about it, inviting him to visit or join in on various activities in my city to no avail.
Could I have continued as I had been? Yes. But, why would anyone opt to stay with someone who consciously chooses to not try? As a result, our relationship faded away, but sometimes break ups are positive things. Sometimes, letting go of your efforts is hard, but it’s necessary to see if your partner will meet you halfway.
This experiment can be revealing; it shows whether your partner values and respects your contributions. An effort diet isn’t about playing games or testing your partner but about creating space for a healthier, more balanced dynamic. If your partner rises to the occasion, take the opportunity to begin meeting one another in the middle again. If they don’t step up, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
Divorce Your Effort
If there is an imbalance in your relationship, and things aren’t 50/50 don’t panic. Just like life, relationships consist of constant ebb and flow. If there is no shift in the weight of your effort compared to your partner’s for a significant length of time, that’s when you need to take action.
Relax your level of effort and allow your partner to take the wheel.
You will quickly see whether they’re a true partner, or your relationship’s success falls solely on your shoulders. If that’s the case, disengage from the imbalance in your relationship and reinvest that effort into yourself.
Invest in Yourself
If your partner isn’t willing to put in the effort for your relationship, it’s time to reinvest in yourself. Taking care of your mental and emotional health is crucial for your well-being and future relationships.
Investing in yourself means pursuing your passions, nurturing your friendships, and prioritizing your mental and physical health. When you’re able to recognize your worth, you refuse to settle for less than you deserve. By focusing on personal growth and self-love, you’ll attract healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Remember,
The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. When you value and respect yourself, others will too. Self care is healthy for you and for your future relationship. Then, you can focus on finding a partner who wants to invest in you. Never doubt it, you are worth the effort.