First Date Fears

How to Fight the First Date Fears: 4 Expert Tips

I can promise you this: every client I have ever consulted has concerns and anxieties surrounding the First Date. The most important thing to remember early on, is to remain present. Stay in the moment and just enjoy one another’s company. This is the easiest way to combat any first date fears. 

First things first. Take a deep breath and relax. When people get nervous, they talk too much. Just remember, your specially-trained matchmaker is here to help coach you through every step of the process. 

Goodbye first date fears!

Don’t Put Too Much Pressure on the Situation

I often hesitate to even use the word date for a first meeting between matches. Meeting is really the better word. Date has a romantic connotation, and while matchmaking is obviously a service for people seeking romance, it would be unrealistic to expect every single first date to end in a love connection.

We can eliminate some of those first date fears simply by omitting the word date. First date fears often occur because people put an enormous amount of pressure on themselves, their date, and the situation. Some go into every encounter with the opposite sex hoping it turns into marriage and a white picket fence. Others are so picky they will write their date off in the first five minutes for something trivial.

Both of these approaches are incorrect.

Let’s think about it from a business perspective. When you were a novice in your career, you didn’t go into every single job interview expecting to not only get the job, but to retire from that company. Alternatively, would you turn down your dream job because you didn’t like the break room? 

Do Focus on the Positives

One thing I tell all of my clients going into a first date is to find three things you like, appreciate, or enjoy about the person. That’s it. Just three. But by focusing your efforts on finding positive traits in the person sitting across from you, you can overcome the silly things that put you in a negative headspace.

So you hated his shoes? If you’re really looking for lasting love, overlook the shoes. Does his lifestyle align with yours? Do you have similar goals in life? Did he make you feel safe and special? Did he match your sense of humor? Was he charming? Kind? Handsome? Punctual? Try to focus on the things about him you would like in a partner, even if you know he’s not a fit. 

Do Take Note of the Negatives

In addition to making a concerted effort to find value in your match, it’s equally important to gather information about the things you don’t like. Especially if those things enter into deal-breaker territory.

If you learn she has a pet you’re highly allergic to, that’s probably not going to be a long-lasting relationship. But now, your matchmaker will know to screen for that before making any future connections. 

Take mental notes. Everything that happens between the two of you is data and information that will be helpful to your matchmaker in facilitating your next match. Sharing three positives in addition to all the reasons you know he or she is not The One with your matchmaker will help us in our search to find you love. 

Even bad dates are good dates, because you learn what you don’t want, and so does your matchmaker. We use each and every interaction to fine-tune your profile, so that we can find someone who ticks off your most important boxes.

Don’t Mentally Move In

We’re all human. After a few great dates with a high-quality woman, it’s nearly impossible to keep the day dreams at bay. The thoughts silently slip in, “Could this be what I’ve been searching for? Maybe she’s The One.” This is where I urge you to pause and set realistic expectations. 

There is nothing wrong with these thoughts. Dating can be and should be fun. It’s natural to have hope that this develops into a relationship filled with love and trust and acceptance, and all the things that Maslow told us humans need.

I want my clients to get butterflies and feel excited about this process, but I wouldn’t be doing my job well if I didn’t tell you to remove your foot from the gas pedal, and just take it one date at a time. 

Allow love the opportunity to grow and develop naturally without any unnecessary pressure or stress. Stay present throughout each date, give it your undivided attention, gather data, and don’t get in your own way. If you are able to do all of this, you can overcome any and all first date fears. 


Oversharing - Too Much, Too Fast

Beware! The fine line between being authentic and oversharing

Andrew and Melissa's second date seemed to be going great. They were dining on the patio at one of Andrew's favorite local wineries. The sunset was spectacular and Andrew's anxiety about bringing a date to one of his favorite places was almost gone. Melissa seemed to get his dry humor and he appreciated her quick wit and warmth. She had even leaned into him when they were waiting to be seated and then held his hand when they walked to their table overlooking the vineyards below.

While they were sipping a spectacular Russian River Valley Pinot Noir, Melissa casually asked Andrew about his previous dating experience. Without thinking, Andrew launched into the FULL story of his last long-term relationship. Including all the details about their custody dispute over the puppy he had gotten his girlfriend for her birthday, and their disastrous last vacation. Andrew told her how they met, about their moving into together, all the things that went wrong afterward, and their messy breakup. When Andrew finally stopped talking, he noticed that Melissa was no longer smiling. After finishing dinner, Melissa got a Lyft home.

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