The Three Month Rule: What It Is and Why It Matters
When you start dating someone new, every moment can feel exciting and full of possibilities. But as the initial butterflies begin to settle, you might find yourself wondering, "Is this relationship going anywhere?" Enter the three-month rule—a widely recognized guideline in the world of romance that suggests the first three months of a relationship are crucial for determining its future. In this blog post, we'll explore the three-month rule in depth, talk about why it matters, and illustrate how you can use it in your romantic relationships.
What Is the Three-Month Rule?
The three-month rule is a timeframe that many people in the dating world use to evaluate the potential of a new relationship. It suggests that within the first three months, you should have enough information and experience with your partner to decide whether you want to continue the relationship or move on. This period allows you to get past the initial infatuation and see each other more clearly, both the good and the not-so-good aspects.
Why Three Months?
Three months is often considered the sweet spot because it's long enough to get to know someone beyond the surface level but not so long that you waste time if the relationship isn't right for you. Here's why this timeframe works well:
Getting Comfortable
In the beginning, the excitement of a new relationship can overshadow everything else. You're getting to know each other, sharing firsts, and the novelty makes every moment thrilling. This phase, often called the "honeymoon period," is characterized by a surge of feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals can make everything seem perfect, glossing over potential issues.
After about three months, these intense feelings start to stabilize. You and your partner begin to relax and show more of your true selves. This is crucial because long-term relationships are built on authenticity and comfort, not just excitement. By three months, you’re likely to see each other in a variety of situations—both good and bad—which gives a more accurate picture of compatibility.
Routine and Reality
The first few dates are often carefully planned, exciting, and somewhat idealized. However, as time goes on, you start to settle into more of a routine. You might spend more time doing everyday activities together—cooking dinner, running errands, or just hanging out at home.
These ordinary moments are important because they reveal how you and your partner function in a typical day-to-day setting. You get to see how they handle stress, their habits, their reactions to minor inconveniences, and their general demeanor when they're not trying to impress you. By the end of three months, you should have a pretty good idea of how they fit into your life and vice versa.
Red Flags and Green Flags
Three months provide enough time to identify both red and green flags in your relationship. Red flags are warning signs that something might be off, such as consistent dishonesty, disrespect, or incompatible life goals. Green flags, on the other hand, are positive indicators like kindness, reliability, and shared values.
Early in a relationship, it’s easy to overlook red flags because of the initial attraction and desire to make things work. However, as time progresses, these issues can become more apparent. For example, you might notice patterns in how your partner handles disagreements, how they treat others, or how they manage their responsibilities. Identifying these flags helps you make an informed decision about whether to continue the relationship.
What to Look for in the First Three Months
The first three months can’t tell you everything about how a relationship might work out, but there are some signs to look for. Having important similarities or differences in the following areas can help you judge your overall compatibility moving forward.
- Communication Style: How well do you and your partner communicate? Good communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Pay attention to how your partner expresses their feelings, handles conflicts, and listens to you. Are they open and honest? Do they respect your opinions and feelings?
- Shared Values and Goals: Are your values and life goals aligned? While you don't need to agree on everything, having similar values and goals can make a relationship smoother and more fulfilling. Discuss topics like family, career aspirations, and lifestyle preferences to see if you're on the same page.
- Consistency and Reliability: Is your partner consistent in their behavior and reliable? Trust is built on consistency. Notice if they follow through on their promises and if their actions match their words. Reliability is a key indicator of a partner's commitment and respect.
- Emotional Support: Does your partner provide emotional support? A healthy relationship involves being there for each other during both good and bad times. Assess if your partner is empathetic and supportive when you need them.
- Fun and Enjoyment: Do you enjoy spending time together? Having fun and enjoying each other's company is essential. Whether it's shared hobbies, humor, or simply feeling comfortable around each other, mutual enjoyment strengthens your bond.
Making the Decision
As you approach the three-month mark, take some time to reflect on your relationship. Consider these questions:
- Do I feel happy and content with my partner?
- Do we communicate well and resolve conflicts healthily?
- Do we share similar values and goals?
- Is my partner consistent and reliable?
- Do we support each other emotionally?
- Do we genuinely enjoy our time together?
If your answers are mostly positive, your relationship has strong potential. However, if you find yourself doubting or feeling unhappy, it might be time to reconsider.
Tips for Navigating the Three-Month Mark
The decision to get serious in a relationship can be a nerve wracking one, no matter what you choose to do ultimately. Here are a few tips for getting through this transitional period:
Have an Honest Conversation: Discuss your feelings and thoughts with your partner. An open and honest conversation can help clarify where you both stand and what you want moving forward.
Trust Your Instincts: Listen to your gut feelings. If something feels off or you're not as invested as you'd like to be, it's okay to acknowledge that.
Be Patient and Kind: Remember, every relationship is unique. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate this timeframe. Kindness and understanding go a long way.
Don’t Rush Decisions: While the three-month rule is a helpful guideline, it's not a strict deadline. If you need more time to make a decision, that's perfectly fine. The goal is to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, not to meet an arbitrary timeline.
Final Thoughts
The three-month rule is popular in the dating world for good reasons. It provides a balanced timeframe to move past initial infatuation and start seeing the real dynamics of a relationship. However, this check-in occurs early enough in your relationship that you haven't had time to get too serious yet. By focusing on shared values, consistency, and trusting your gut in the first three months, you can make a well-informed decision about your relationship's future.
Long-Distance Date Ideas
Being in a long-distance relationship can be challenging, but it also offers a unique opportunity to get creative with how you spend time together. While you may not be able to hold hands or share a meal at the same table, there are countless ways to stay connected and keep the romance alive from miles apart. Whether you're new to long-distance dating or a seasoned pro looking for fresh ideas, this post is packed with date ideas to help bridge the gap between you.
Tips for Creating Connection When You're Long Distance
Maintaining a strong connection in a long-distance relationship can be challenging, but it is certainly achievable with effort and creativity. Read on for some valuable tips for creating meaningful moments of connection, no matter how far apart you are.
- Surprise Each Other: Send unexpected gifts, handwritten letters, or even a surprise food delivery. These small gestures show that you’re thinking of each other.
- Create Traditions: Establish little rituals that are unique to your relationship, like a weekly movie night or a daily good morning text. These traditions create a sense of continuity and shared experience.
- Be Honest and Open: Share your feelings and thoughts openly. Being transparent about your emotions can help you develop a sense of trust and understanding. Consistent and open communication allows you to give and receive emotional support from a distance.
- Use Technology: Leverage technology to feel closer. Send each other flirty texts throughout the day. Set up a regular schedule for video calls or to spend time together doing something else virtually. Apps for video chats, synchronized movie nights,, and even online games can make the distance feel shorter.
- Plan Visits: Whenever possible, plan visits to see each other. Having a countdown to your next meeting can boost your spirits and give you something to look forward to.
- Talk About the Future: Discuss your future plans and goals. If possible, have a plan for your lives and careers to eventually bring you to the same place. Focus on the positives of your relationship as much as possible. Remind each other why you’re together and the strength of your bond, even when things get tough. This reinforces your commitment to each other and helps you stay focused on your shared dreams.
Long Distance Dates
Being in a long-distance relationship can be tough, but it also gives you a chance to get creative. Ask your partner out on a date. It's important to make time for one another, even when you're separated by distance. Whether you’re miles apart for a few months or navigating a longer stretch, here are some fun and engaging date ideas to help you feel closer, no matter the distance.
1. Synchronize Your Movie Night
Who says you need to be in the same room to enjoy a movie together? Apps like Teleparty allow you to synchronize your watching experience between two or more screens. Pick a movie, grab some snacks, and hit play at the same time. Use video chat to share your reactions and discuss your favorite scenes. For added fun, make it a theme night with matching snacks or costumes based on the movie you’re watching.
2. Cook the Same Meal
Cooking can be a delightful and intimate experience, even from afar. Choose a recipe you both like, gather the ingredients, and cook together via video call. Compare your final dishes and enjoy a virtual dinner date. This way, you can share the experience of making and eating a meal together.
3. Play Online Games Together
If you’re both into gaming, there are plenty of online multiplayer games you can play together. From cooperative games to competitive ones, find something you both enjoy. If gaming isn’t your thing, try solving online puzzles or escape rooms together. It’s a great way to team up and have fun.
4. Virtual Tours and Museum Visits
Explore new places together without leaving your home. Google Arts & Culture allows you to virtually explore the collections of some of the world's most renowned museums. Many museums and landmarks also offer their own virtual tours. Pick a location, take the tour, and discuss what you see. You could explore the Louvre, the Smithsonian, or even take a virtual walk through a foreign city.
5. Book Club for Two
If you both love reading, start a mini book club. Choose a book to read at the same time and set dates to discuss different sections. This gives you something to look forward to and provides plenty of conversation topics. Plus, you can learn more about each other’s tastes and thoughts.
6. DIY Art Projects
Get artsy with a virtual craft night. Pick a project you both can do, like painting, drawing, or even digital art. Share your progress and final pieces over video chat. Not only is it a fun way to spend time, but you also get a keepsake from the date.
7. Plan Your Future Adventures
Use this time to plan future trips and activities you want to do together. Create a shared document or a vision board with ideas, pictures, and notes. It gives you both something to look forward to and shows that you’re committed to your future together.
8. Trivia and Quiz Nights
Challenge each other with trivia questions or take online quizzes together. You can find quizzes on just about any topic, from movies and music to history and science. It’s a fun way to test your knowledge and learn new things.
9. Virtual Stargazing
If you both enjoy astronomy, plan a night to look at the stars. Use an app to identify constellations and share what you see through video chat. You could even create a stargazing playlist to listen to while you enjoy the night sky together.
10. Exercise Together
Stay active by doing a workout together. Whether it’s yoga, a dance class, or a simple workout routine, it’s a great way to stay connected and healthy. Encourage each other and maybe even set some fitness goals together.
A Little Effort Goes a Long Way
Long-distance relationships come with their own set of challenges, but with a little creativity, you can make the distance feel a lot shorter. Try out these date ideas and tips to keep the romance and fun alive. The effort you put into staying connected will only make your relationship stronger.
Why Are Executives Drawn to Matchmaking?
In the bustling world of business, executives face countless challenges daily. From managing teams to closing deals, the pressure is immense. But amidst all this chaos, there's one area where many high-ranking professionals are seeking a helping hand: their romantic lives.
Matchmaking is an age-old practice that’s becoming increasingly popular among executives. But why are so many leaders turning to professional matchmakers?
The Unique Challenges Executives Face
Being an executive isn't just a job—it's a lifestyle. These high-powered individuals have packed schedules that often demand their attention from dawn till dusk. For many, this leaves little room for personal pursuits, including dating. These are a few of the unique challenges executives face in their search for love.
Limited Free Time: Executives are constantly on the go. Their days are filled with back-to-back meetings, strategy sessions, and business trips. By the end of the day, there's often no energy left for social activities, let alone the time-consuming process of dating. Finding the time to meet new people, go on dates, and nurture a relationship can seem almost impossible.
High Expectations: Even when executives carve out time for dating, the traditional dating scene often doesn't fit their lifestyle or expectations. Long hours and unpredictable schedules can make it difficult to commit to regular dates. In addition, typical casual dating activities like mini golf or ice cream dates might not appeal to someone with more sophisticated tastes.
Privacy Concerns: For high-profile executives, privacy is paramount. Using dating apps or attending casual meet-ups can feel too public. There’s always the fear that their personal lives could become news, potentially impacting their professional image and responsibilities. The idea of their dating escapades becoming office gossip or, worse, making headlines, is a major deterrent.
What Makes Matchmaking So Appealing?
For many executives, enlisting the help of a matchmaker is more than just a personal choice—it’s a strategic decision.
The dating scene can be stressful and time-consuming. We alleviate this burden by handling the initial stages of dating, from introductions to planning dates, reducing the overall stress for busy executives.
Lindsay Mills, Director of Matchmaking
Here’s why investing in a matchmaking service can be incredibly beneficial:
- Time Efficiency: Matchmakers do the legwork, screening potential partners based on the client’s preferences and values. This means you only meet people who are truly compatible, saving you time and energy.
- Personalization: Unlike algorithms on dating apps, matchmakers provide a human touch. They get to know their clients personally, understanding their lifestyle, goals, and what they’re truly looking for in a partner.
- Quality Over Quantity: When you work with a matchmaker, you won’t waste every Saturday on a first date that goes nowhere. Instead, you’ll get to skip the awkward dinners and only meet potential partners who are worth your time.
- Privacy and Discretion: For many executives, privacy is paramount. Matchmaking services offer a confidential way to date, ensuring that personal details remain secure and away from the public eye.
- Expertise and Guidance: Matchmakers are professionals who specialize in relationships. They offer valuable insights, advice, and support throughout the dating process, helping executives navigate the complexities of finding a meaningful connection.
The Modern Matchmaking Experience
In today's fast-paced world, finding the right partner can be challenging, especially for busy executives. Matchmakers are not just about setting up dates. They take a meticulous approach to find the perfect match for their clients. Modern matchmakers use a blend of science, intuition, and personalized attention to help their clients find love.
Here’s how they do it:
Many matchmakers start with comprehensive personality assessments. This is a tool that helps both matchmakers and clients to gain a clear understanding of what kind of partner would best suit the client’s needs.
These tests help identify the traits, values, and preferences that are most important to their clients. By understanding these core aspects, matchmakers can pinpoint compatible partners. This also starts off an ongoing conversation between the client and matchmaker that will continue throughout the matchmaking journey.
To get a deeper sense of their clients’ needs and desires, matchmakers often also conduct detailed interviews. This one-on-one time allows matchmakers to gather insights into clients' past relationships, future goals, and what they truly seek in a partner.
Beyond assessments and interviews, experienced matchmakers rely on their intuition and expertise. They consider the nuances of personality and chemistry that can’t be captured on paper. Their personal touch helps in making more meaningful and successful matches.
Support Beyond Matching
Matchmaking services often extend beyond just finding a match. Many offer additional support to ensure their clients are not only ready to meet the right person but also prepared to maintain a healthy relationship.
I'm definitely an emotional support person for my clients. As matchmakers, we provide more than logistical assistance. We’re a safe space for executives to express their vulnerabilities and receive constructive feedback on their dating experiences.
Lindsay Mills, Director of Matchmaking
A matchmaker can help your date go off without a hitch. It's hard enough to date without a packed schedule and a high-pressure career. The extra support matchmakers offer to executives helps them to not only meet potential partners, but to make a great first impression as well. Here are some of the ways matchmakers help their clients beyond making introductions:
- Dating Skills Improvement: Matchmakers provide guidance on how to navigate the dating world, offering tips on communication, etiquette, and building connections.
- Confidence Building: They help clients boost their self-esteem and approach dating with a positive mindset, making them more attractive and open to potential partners.
- Relationship Readiness: Coaching ensures that clients are emotionally and mentally prepared to invest in a relationship, fostering long-term success.
- Concierge Service: Matchmakers are not only invaluable resources for helping you navigate a date successfully, they can plan it for you too! A matchmaker can make restaurant reservations and other essential plans for your date beforehand to ensure everything goes smoothly without you lifting a finger.
In the fast-paced world of business, finding love can often take a backseat. However, with the rise of professional matchmaking services, executives no longer have to choose between a successful career and a fulfilling personal life. By turning to matchmakers, they can efficiently and discreetly find meaningful connections, ensuring that their hearts are as fulfilled as their resumes.
Six Strategies to Handle Awkward Silence on a Date
Do you find yourself loathing the dreadful "awkward silence" that accompanies some first dates? Between nervousness and the pressure to keep the conversation flowing, these painful pauses between two new people can feel pretty uncomfortable.
Navigating awkward silence on a date can be challenging, but with the conversation tools, you can keep the conversation flowing smoothly and maintain a comfortable atmosphere. Here are six strategies to help you handle those moments of silence:
Opt for Open-Ended Questions
It’s pretty much always great advice to ask questions on a date, but the type of question matters. If you want to keep the conversation going, ask your date questions that encourage them to talk.
Try to think of questions that might prompt your date to tell a story or give their opinion about something. By asking open-ended questions, you’ll encourage your date to share more about themselves.
If you want to keep the conversation going, ask your date questions that encourage them to talk.
Instead of asking questions like "Do you like hiking?" which can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no," frame your questions in a way that invites your date to elaborate. For example, you could ask, "What do you like most about hiking?" or “How did you get into hiking?” Asking in this way encourages your date to share their thoughts and experiences, leading to a more engaging conversation.
Share Personal Stories
Sharing personal stories or anecdotes can help break the silence and create a connection between you and your date. Share a funny or interesting story from your own life that relates to the topic you've been discussing.
For example, if you’ve been chatting about your favorite childhood movies, you could share a story of how you reenacted the scenes with your friends. A fun anecdote of your own can also encourage our date to take a trip down memory lane and share a story about their life in return.
Sharing your own lighthearted anecdote can encourage your date to open up with their own stories.
Be careful not to overshare too early in your dating relationship. Sharing too much too fast might make your date uncomfortable and sabotage your chances of connecting with one another. It’s okay—and encouraged—to get personal, but it’s also best to keep it lighthearted.
Play a Game
Injecting a bit of fun and playfulness into your date can turn an ordinary evening into a night to remember. Consider starting off with a lighthearted game or activity that sets the tone for laughter and bonding.
For instance, "Two Truths and a Lie" can be a fantastic icebreaker. It's a chance for you and your date to learn more about each other in a playful way. You'll share three statements about yourselves: two of them true and one a lie. As you take turns guessing which statement is the lie, you'll have a chance to tell fun stories and deepen your connection.
Another option is to play "Would You Rather." This game offers a delightful opportunity to explore each other's preferences and quirks. Would you rather spend a day exploring a bustling city or relaxing on a remote beach? Would you rather have the ability to time travel or read minds? These questions can lead to intriguing conversations and provide insight into your date's personality.
Icebreaker games like "Two Truths and a Lie" or "Would You Rather?" can help you avoid awkward silence by adding some structure to the conversation.
As always, keep it light. Try to steer clear of heavier topics like money, politics, and medical issues for now. The goal is to create a relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere where you can both let your guards down and be yourselves. It's a chance to share laughs, make memories, and strengthen your connection.
Talk About Your Surroundings
Use your surroundings as conversation starters. Imagine you're at a cozy cafe with your date. You could start by remarking on the charming decor – perhaps the vintage posters on the walls or the soothing color scheme. This opens up opportunities to ask questions like, "Do you have a favorite type of ambiance when you go out for coffee?" or "What's the most unique cafe you've ever been to?"
If you're at a restaurant, take note of the menu options. You might comment on the variety of dishes available or the chef's special for the evening. This could lead to discussions about food preferences, favorite cuisines, or memorable dining experiences. Ask your date about their favorite dish or what they like to cook at home.
Talking about what's happening around you can help you and your date stay in the moment.
Talking with your date about the things going on around you not only keeps the conversation flowing but also shows that you're interested in sharing the experience with them. Plus, it can create a comfortable atmosphere where both of you feel more at ease expressing yourselves in the moment.
Express Genuine Interest
When you're on a date, what's more appealing than someone who is truly interested in what you have to say, who actively engages with your thoughts and experiences, and who listens with intent rather than just waiting for their turn to speak?
Showing genuine interest in your date's thoughts, opinions, and experiences is not just a nicety; it's the only real way to form a connection. It's about more than just nodding along politely—it's about actively engaging with what they're saying, asking insightful questions, and showing that you value their perspective.
Active listening is key here. That means giving your date your full attention, making eye contact, and really focusing on what they're saying rather than letting your mind wander. Resist the urge to interrupt or interject with your own thoughts; instead, give them space to express themselves fully.
Showing genuine interest in your date's thoughts, opinions, and experiences is not just a nicety; it's the only real way to form a connection.
Asking follow-up questions is another crucial aspect of showing genuine interest. This demonstrates that you're not just passively listening, but actively engaging with what they're saying and trying to understand them better.
Expect Some Silence
Awkward silence can sometimes sneak up on us during a date. You know, when the conversation hits a lull, and suddenly you're both just sitting there, not sure what to say next. It's a moment that can make even the most confident person feel a little uneasy.
But “awkward” silence isn't always a bad thing. In fact, it can be quite natural and even a sign of comfort between two people. When you're truly comfortable with someone, you don't always feel the need to fill every moment with chatter. Sometimes, just being together in silence can be enough.
So, next time you find yourself in the midst of an awkward silence, take a deep breath and relax. Instead of scrambling to come up with something to say, try to embrace the moment for what it is. Maybe take the opportunity for some quiet reflection or simply enjoy each other's company without the pressure of constant conversation.
Quiet moments are natural and can be a sign of comfort between two people.
When you're on a date with someone new, don't worry about a little bit of a lull in conversation. By incorporating these strategies into your dates, you can navigate awkward silence with confidence and ensure that both you and your date have a positive and enjoyable experience.
Is Raya Worth It? A Review of Luxury Dating Apps
Finding someone can be hard, and any tool that can help you navigate the murky waters of the dating scene is welcome, right? There are endless apps and sites aimed at singles who are looking for someone special.
The most popular services are mass-market dating apps like Bumble and Tinder, but there are more exclusive options for high-end clientele. But what if—just like their free and low-cost counterparts—these luxury platforms are more headache than they’re worth?
Why Users Are Leaving Apps
It’s no surprise that the issues plaguing dating apps exist pretty much across the board. The market is dominated by Bumble and Match Group, the company that owns Hinge, Tinder, OKCupid, and several other platforms. Most of these apps share a similar swipe-to-match format, making the user experience largely indistinguishable.
This popular format heavily features users’ photos. This is part of why dating apps foster a very appearance-focused environment, making it harder for users to feel comfortable as they look for connections. As one person tells The Guardian, “The apps are algorithmic doom barrels.”
“It does not matter how handsome or beautiful or charming you are, there is this underlying tension that you are 10 swipes away from a person that outranks you on the conventional beauty and charisma scale. It’s enough to make you feel all the insecurities that you haven’t needed to swallow since you were a teenager and a whole realm of new adult ones.”
Dating App User, 29
This is far from the only issue with the apps’ designs. A lawsuit was brought against Match Group claiming that the company’s apps are designed to be addictive. Experts have found that dating apps light up the same areas of the brain as slot machines and addictive substances.
Despite apps’ gamification strategies, it appears that users are actually leaving once-popular platforms en masse. Despite plans for new features and specialty services, the apps are still struggling.
According to the New York Times, this is because users, especially young people, are looking to social media for online connections. Users are also less willing to pay for premium features that don’t yield premium results.
Are Luxury Dating Apps Better?
The services designed to be luxury experiences really aren’t all that different. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to determine at a glance which services are designed for relationship-minded singles.
Many platforms cater instead to sugar dating, semi-transactional relationships in which one partner receives gifts and/or a financial allowance in exchange for their romantic companionship. These relationships are typically between a younger and older partner, most commonly an older man and younger woman.
While there are plenty of scammy sugar dating sites to sift through, you’ll find few legitimate options. When it comes to the app market, there are a few to choose from, all with their own pros and cons. These are some that we discovered:
Luxy
Luxy is an app that offers bespoke matches based on exclusivity. Getting onto the platform is a feat in itself, with more than three-fourths of applicants being turned away during the 24-hour review period. Verified millionaires and those who pay to use the app can skip this waiting period.
Luxy’s acceptance criteria include “soft factors” like occupation, education, and profile photos. This ensures exclusivity, but it also means that tons of eligible applicants are never seen by others on the app. Many people attain a highly successful lifestyle through nontraditional paths, and these people will find it harder to qualify for Luxy.
One interesting thing about Luxy is that it very explicitly bans “sugar dating”. The app positions itself as a place for millionaires to meet millionaires. However, the app’s income verification is optional, making it difficult to ensure that only the top 1% of singles are present on the app. ID verification is done using an AI-powered software.
Pros
- Exclusive membership pool
- Sugar dating is banned.
Cons
- Low acceptance rate
- AI used for ID verification.
- Income verification is optional.
- Paying members can skip the 24-hour verification period.
Raya
Raya is one of the most exclusive online dating platforms operating today. For starters, you can’t just apply to join. First, a current Raya member has to refer you, then you’ll be invited to apply for membership. After that, you’ll be invited to join if your application is accepted.
While you don’t have to be a celebrity to make the cut, it certainly helps. The app, meant for creative professionals, requires its users to hand over their Instagram account as part of the application process.
While the company hasn’t published any specific requirements, it’s rumored that users need a minimum number of followers. Of the people who follow you, there need to be enough current Raya members present to seal the deal.
Once you make it onto the app, it’s a lot like the swipe-left, swipe-right format of other popular dating apps. Profiles are photo-centric, and writing a bio is optional. Raya does require an Instagram handle, providing users a small glimpse of their potential matches off the app.
Pros
- Truly exclusive
- Membership of high-level professionals
- Celebrity-spotting
- Instagram handles provide more information about other users.
Cons
- Only for creative industries
- Invasive sign-up process
- Need to have Raya members in your Instagram follower list.
- User experience is similar to other dating apps.
The League
When you join The League, it can go a few different ways. Most people download the app and join the waitlist, which can take a few months. Other lucky users can skip the line by paying for a membership or being referred by a friend on the app.
It’s worth noting that The League is owned by Match Group, the company currently under fire for its apps addictive features. While there are features of the app that are unique to The League, the basic concept is quite similar to the typical swiping format.
The main difference is the number of profiles you’ll see. Members of the free version of The League are only shown three potential matches per day, while the highest tier of membership, which costs hundreds of dollars per week, affords users seven profiles to peruse each day.
The information on all these profiles is taken from users’ LinkedIn profiles, which are manually screened by reviewers to determine eligibility. Once your profile is reviewed, you’ll be admitted to The League if you live in one of the cities they’re located in.
Pros
- Exclusive membership
- In-person events
- Members are all vetted.
Cons
- You’ll need to update your LinkedIn to apply.
- Paid features are expensive and don’t offer much more than the free version.
- Match Group has been sued for addictive app features.
All in all, it seems like luxury sites and apps are just as hit-or-miss as their mass-market counterparts, just with a higher price tag. If you’re looking for true luxury dating experience, look no further than a skilled matchmaker.
What We Offer
At Executive Matchmakers, we provide something more than just a database of members to endlessly sift through. We provide stellar introductions with eligible potential partners.
Private: We understand the sensitive nature of working with a matchmaker, which is why your membership will be kept private. We don’t post your profile, name, or photos, so you can join with the peace of mind that only a professional matchmaker can offer.
Personalized: There are no generic profiles or sifting through members. With Executive Matchmakers, you can date your way. Using our Signature Match process, we tailor your search to your unique personal preferences.
Commitment-Minded: Our service is designed for those who are ready to get off the dating treadmill and into a happy, fulfilling, long-term relationship. For successful singles who aren’t willing to compromise on quality, there’s no better choice than Executive Matchmakers.
Six Signs You Should See Them Again
There’s so much advice out there about how to have a successful first date, but what do you do after that? Unpacking the experience of meeting someone new is often more complicated than we would like. It’s pretty rare that a date is completely perfect from start to finish.
Awkward silences, miscommunications, and mismatched expectations can all make first dates a bumpy ride, but they don’t necessarily mean there’s no potential connection to pursue. If you’re not sure whether you should go on a second date, don’t worry. Here are a few signs it’s worth seeing them again.
Good Sign: You Had Great Conversation
If your first date was marked by effortless conversation where words just seemed to flow, that's a fantastic sign! It means you're comfortable with each other, and that's a solid foundation for more dates.
Having a great conversation is more simple than you might think. According to several experts, including Morra Aarons-Mele, author of Hiding In the Bathroom: An Introvert’s Roadmap to Getting Out There (When You’d Rather Stay Home), the secret is to listen as much or more than you talk.
“If you just talk a lot you might get exhausted, but if you ask questions and listen and draw people out, they’ll think you’re a great conversationalist.”
Morra Aarons-Mele
A smooth conversation makes the date more relaxed and fun, and that makes it easier for both of you to be yourselves. This can clue you into your compatibility as partners. While we recommend keeping it positive and relatively light, letting the conversation flow where it may can reveal the answer to any number of questions about your connection.
Good Sign: You Discovered Shared Interests
Did you discover that you both have a passion for hiking, a love for movie musicals, or an obsession with trying out new cuisines? Finding common ground can be like striking gold. It gives you something to bond over and ensures that future dates won't be short of fun activities to do together.
When you find common ground, it's easier to feel comfortable with each other and enjoy meaningful conversations. Shared interests provide a foundation for deeper connections to develop over time. When you have things in common, you're more likely to understand each other's perspectives and enjoy spending time together.
Shared interests can often reflect underlying values and goals. Discovering that you have similar priorities can be reassuring and increase the potential for a long-term relationship.
Good Sign: There was Chemistry
Chemistry is like a spark that makes you feel drawn to each other. Did you find yourself laughing at their jokes, feeling a flutter in your stomach when they smiled, or just enjoying their company? If so, you might have stumbled upon something special.
“Chemistry” in the dating world isn’t just chemical reactions. It’s a combination of things like physical attraction, shared interests, and engaging conversation. When you have chemistry, conversations feel easy, and you're excited to spend more time together.
While this is a great early sign, it’s important to remember that chemistry alone will not sustain your relationship for long. For surface-level interactions, this is enough, but a serious relationship thrives on a deeper connection. Often, an initial spark is simply lust, and this will fade over time if not supported by a strong foundation.
Good Sign: There was Mutual Respect
Pay attention to how your date treats you and others. Do they listen attentively when you speak? Are they courteous to the waiter? Respect and consideration are non-negotiables in any relationship. If your date checks these boxes, it's definitely a green light for a second outing.
Respect fosters open communication, trust, and empathy, which are essential elements for a successful relationship. When both individuals show respect for each other's opinions, boundaries, and feelings, it creates a sense of safety and comfort. This indicates that you value each other as individuals and are interested in building a connection based on mutual understanding and consideration.
Good Sign: You Have Shared Values
While opposites may attract, shared values are the glue that holds relationships together in the long run. Did you discover that you both value honesty, kindness, or adventure? When your core beliefs align, it paves the way for a deeper connection and a stronger bond.
The old adage that opposites attract is more myth than reality, as it turns out. In a study published by the journal Nature Human Behavior, researchers found that couples share about 89% of traits. This includes things like how often they smoke or drink water, as well as deeper traits like political compass and religious beliefs.
Good Sign: You Want To See Them Again
The biggest tell-tale sign? You find yourself eagerly looking forward to seeing them again. Whether it's because you can't wait to hear about their latest travel adventure or simply because being around them makes you happy, that anticipation speaks volumes.
While the chemical cocktail created by lust in your brain is often nothing more than that, sometimes it can indicate the beginning of something deeper. When you begin falling in love, it changes your brain.
"When you fall in love, your body produces a cocktail of chemicals, including dopamine (for wanting more), noradrenaline (for excitement, focus, and attention), testosterone (for sexual interest and drive), and a drop in serotonin (which can cause that low-key obsessive feeling). These chemicals make us feel happy, giddy, energetic, euphoric, and youthful."
Kelifern Pomeranz, PsyD, psychologist and sex therapist
So don’t worry if you feel nervous about asking for a second date. Those butterflies in your stomach are trying to tell you this is an opportunity to connect with someone special.
In the end, trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you that a second date is worth exploring, then go for it! After all, love and connection are all about taking chances and following your heart. So why not see where the road leads? Who knows, it might just be the start of something beautiful.
These TED Talks Will Change Your Love Life
Looking for a few minutes of relationship wisdom? These speakers offer diverse perspectives on love, dating, and relationships—and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
In a world where dating and relationships are only growing more complex, it’s comforting to have so many knowledgeable people to lean on. Whether you want to up your flirting game, find the one, or learn the signs of a potentially volatile relationship, these TED speakers have you covered.
“True love that is not backed up by the right action is not true love.”
We’ve compiled a list of our favorite TED talks about dating, love, and relationships. Read on for some sage wisdom, right from the experts themselves.
Katie Hood - The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Love
“It’s important to remember it’s not how a relationship starts that matters, it’s how it evolves.”
Not all love is healthy love. In this TED Talk, Katie Hood, the former CEO of the One Love Foundation, outlines the warning signs of unhealthy love. These are red flag behaviors that if unaddressed can escalate and become abusive.
She highlights five features of unhealthy love to look out for: intensity, isolation, extreme jealousy, belittling, and volatility. These things can be hard to spot at the beginning of a relationship, but Hood says keeping an eye out for them is essential for your well-being. Abusive relationships become more difficult to leave over time, so it’s important to know the signs.
Jean Smith - The Science of Flirting: Being a H.O.T. A.P.E.
Social anthropologist Jean Smith has a method for flirting and recognizing when someone is flirting with you. She calls it the H.O.T. A.P.E. method. After researching the flirting behaviors of four major cities—New York, London, Paris, and Stockholm—she discovered patterns in the way singles try to attract one another.
The six-letter acronym provides a blueprint for flirting as well as a way to tell if someone is a good potential partner for you. If the H.O.T. A.P.E. method fails, it’s probably a sign to look for a connection elsewhere.
Dr. Terri Orbuch - Is It Lust or Is It Love?
Relationship researcher Dr. Terri Orbuch outlines the difference between love and lust. While the states seem similar at first glance, Dr. Orbuch illustrates how love and lust are two different things altogether.
She explains the four key differences between love and lust, highlighting how each affects a relationship. Love, she says, is a more complicated state than lust. While lust is at its highest at the beginning of a relationship, love gets stronger as your connection grows.
Femi Ogunjinmi - How To Tell If Someone Truly Loves You
In this powerful talk, relationship coach Femi Ogunjinmi illustrates that true love is a choice you make. Instead of a static state of being, to be in love is an active decision, something you have to choose and work for. True love, Ogunjinmi says, is seen in your actions toward your partner.
He highlights different kinds of love and explains how they’re different from the commitment and care required by a serious romantic relationship. Agape love, he says, is the truest form of love, and it is the only way to sustain a relationship.
Bela Gandhi - The Big Secret to Finding Lasting Love
Nobody teaches you to find a partner. In her career, Bela Gandhi discovered that singles’ dating checklists were oftentimes stopping them from finding love. Instead of the usual fare—“tall” is the common request from ladies, while guys want someone “attractive”—she’s teaching singles to redesign their checklists.
By looking at non-physical traits and examining the other important relationships in her clients’ lives, she helps them reimagine their “dream partner” and find their true dating priorities. Gandhi’s goal is to get her clients to stop looking for what they want in a partner and start looking for what she calls “elevator” qualities. And her approach seems to work—as of the day she gave this talk, none of her clients have gotten divorced.
Brené Brown - The Power of Vulnerability
Brené Brown is a storyteller and researcher who studies human connection: the ways we get it and what stands in the way of connection. Her research led her to look closer at what people who practice “whole-hearted living” all have in common. This group of people, “the whole-hearted”, she comes to define as those who repeatedly show the courage to be imperfect, in their lives and relationships. They also seem to understand that vulnerability is crucial for connection. Examples of what people consider acts of vulnerability include being the first to say “I love you” in a new relationship, being the one to initiate sex with their partner, and being willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. Brown says, “These people show the willingness to do something when there are no guarantees.”
Nancy Benitez - How to Find Your Perfect Partner
After a stint on an online dating platform that didn’t lead to the fulfilling love she was looking for, men’s dating coach Nancy Benitez decided to try a different approach. Instead of looking for a partner somewhere around her, she started looking inward to find her perfect partner.
In this talk, she highlights the questions she used to gain clarity on her journey. She advises questioning yourself and your patterns. In order to change your life, you need to change your mindset. By practicing self-reflection and allowing the journey to unfold naturally, you can find beautiful, strong, authentic connections.
Ronit Ranjan - How To Find Love Again
Even if we’re fortunate to spend most of our lives with the same partner, most of us will fall in love many times throughout our lives. Beginning with his earliest heartbreaks, life coach Ronit Ranjan illustrates that looking for a relationship is not the same as looking for the right relationship. By trying to force a connection with incompatible people, he discovered the secret to finding fulfilling love.
By getting comfortable being alone, Ranjan learned to do the difficult internal work necessary to find the right relationship. In this talk, he breaks down the process into three steps to help you reach a place where you’re ready to find love again.
Anne Power - Attachment Theory is the Science of Love
In this enlightening talk, therapist Anne Power explains the history and science of attachment theory. Our ideas of love begin to form early in life, and researchers have spent decades studying the causes and effects of our childhood and adult attachment styles.
Understanding your own attachment style and how it might impact your relationship can save you headaches and heartbreak down the line. Power explains the basics of attachment with three points: all of our behavior makes sense in context, feeling safe with others enables us to learn, and you can find safety by slowing down and thinking clearly.
Amanda McCracken - How Longing Keeps Us From Healthy Relationships
Can you be in love with longing? Amanda McCracken thinks so. After her essay exploring her personal decision to wait for a committed relationship to have sex for the first time went viral, 35-year-old McCracken began to wonder if she might be in love with the idea of perfection she could never actually find.
Intimacy requires being vulnerable, and that can be scary. Longing allows us to hide from our fear of making the wrong choice, but if it’s not kept in check it can also stop us from finding the relationship we’re longing for. Making a change is hard, but it’s the only way to create the life you want to live.
Michelle Drouin - Online Love & Infidelity. We're in the Game, What Are the Rules?
The internet has permanently changed the way dating works. Instead of approaching in person, younger people especially are approaching each other digitally. Dating sites and apps have made the options in our dating pools essentially endless. So in this new dating landscape, what are the rules?
Dr. Michelle Drouin, a developmental psychologist, has studied just this. People misrepresent themselves online all the time, and this has a disturbing effect on our relationships. She describes the ways people communicate online, what it means to keep someone on the “back burner”, and so much more.
Want more advice on how you can up your game? Check out our blog for advice on first-date outfits, making conversation, vulnerability, and so much more.
8 Questions to Ask Yourself After a Date
When you’re single and looking for a relationship, figuring out exactly what you want can be tough. Superficial requirements make their way onto your relationship checklist, and it can be difficult to ditch those dealbreakers once you’ve racked them up.
The superficiality trap isn’t the only reason it can be difficult to tell who might be a good partner. Traits that seem ideal in theory might not be attractive in reality. Things like attachment style and past relationship experiences lead many of us to naturally gravitate toward partners who aren’t great relationship choices.
So after you part ways, how do you know if you should see them again? Tricky as it can be, figuring out whether a second date is a good idea is a skill that we can all benefit from in our dating life.
Logan Ury is a relationship expert, dating coach, and behavior scientist. She created a list of eight questions to ask yourself after a date. The point of these questions is to evaluate the date based on how you feel. Ury says that judging based on your emotions, not your expectations, will give you a better idea of whether your date might eventually lead to a relationship.
“We spend dates asking ourselves "Do they check all the boxes?" instead of focusing on how they make us feel. Checklists aren't inherently bad, but most people's lists focus on the wrong things - superficial traits that are not correlated with long-term relationship success.” -Logan Ury, behavior scientist and dating coach
Taking a few minutes to reflect will help you figure out if you want to see that person again or if you're better off moving on. Here are eight questions to ask yourself after a date, according to a relationship scientist.
1. What side of me did they bring out?
Thinking about what aspects of yourself came out during the date can help you understand how you felt around the other person. Did you feel like you could be yourself, or did you act differently? It's important because it shows if the relationship is bringing out your true self or if there are things you need to think about. Your self-awareness can help in evaluating the compatibility and potential of your connection.
2. How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or somewhere in between?
Your emotions can affect your body. Thinking about how your body reacted can help you understand your feelings better. If you were anxious or stressed on your date, you might have felt tense. If you were happy and enjoying yourself, you likely felt more comfortable physically.
It’s normal to have some nerves when you’re seeing someone new. However, if your body is communicating discomfort, it’s worth taking time to reflect on why you felt this way.
Your body language can also give you valuable insight. For example, if you noticed that you were leaning in and making eye contact easily, it could mean that you were engaged and interested in the conversation. However, body language like crossing your arms and fidgeting in your seat could be a sign of discomfort or disinterest.
3. Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
This question can help you gauge your emotional response to your date’s relational energy. Mostly used in organizational psychology, this term can also apply to the way interacting with someone leaves you feeling. People with positive relational energy will leave you feeling happier and more energized, while negative relational energy can be draining.
If you feel more energized, it likely means you had a good time, enjoyed the conversation, and felt a connection with your date. On the other hand, feeling de-energized might suggest that the date was draining, uninteresting, or uncomfortable.
4. Is there something about them that I’m curious about?
Curiosity is a fundamental aspect of building rapport and understanding with someone new. If there's something about them that makes you want to ask lots of questions, it's a sign of chemistry and potential compatibility. It shows that you're genuinely interested in getting to know them better, beyond surface-level interactions.
5. Did they make me laugh?
For many of us, a similar sense of humor is an important factor in deciding whether there's potential for a relationship to develop further. Genuine laughter is a sure sign of a great date. It shows you enjoyed each other's company and probably have some things in common. It's another sign that you felt relaxed and comfortable around your date.
6. Did I feel heard?
Feeling heard means that your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives were acknowledged and respected by your date. Effective communication and feeling understood are essential components of a healthy relationship. If you didn't feel heard, it might indicate a lack of mutual understanding or empathy, which could be a red flag in a relationship.
Pay attention to whether your interest and curiosity are returned. If your date didn’t ask any questions about you, they might not be ready to connect with you on a deeper level. They might just need more time to warm up, but this is something to keep in mind, especially if you’re ready for a serious relationship.
7. Did I feel attractive in their presence?
Reflecting on whether you felt attractive in someone's presence can help you consider a few things. Firstly, you can tell a lot about your chemistry. If you felt attractive, your date likely seemed interested in you, and vice versa.
This question can also highlight any insecurities or doubts you may have about yourself. We all have insecurities. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but sometimes self-doubt can make it harder to connect with others. Asking yourself if you felt attractive can help you update your date night wardrobe with items that make you feel confident in your appearance.
8. Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?
Thinking about how you felt during and after a date can tell you a lot about whether you really clicked with the person. If you felt interested and connected, that's a good sign. It suggests there was genuine interest and chemistry, and it could point to future compatibility.
On the other hand, if you felt bored, it might imply a lack of compatibility or engagement. Dating comes with its fair share of awkward moments, but if you really didn’t click at all, then it might be time to look elsewhere for your long-term partner.
The Importance of Reflection
In the early stages of dating someone, it’s important to stay attuned to your feelings. Often we get so caught up in an idea of who our new interest might be that we don’t get to know who they actually are. To counteract this, we recommend our clients meet their matchmaking introductions in person three times before making any final decisions.
This approach called the Three Date Rule, allows both you and your date to get more comfortable and familiar with one another. Nerves and mismatched expectations can easily get in your way on a first date. By giving yourselves more time to decide how you feel, you can make a more informed decision about potential partners.
Checking in with your feelings after each date can help you stay grounded and keep your expectations realistic. Instead of clouding your first impression with nervousness and unmet expectations, these eight questions can help you reflect on how you genuinely feel about your date. Ury says this is a crucial step in finding a happy, loving partnership. Relationships can’t survive on expectations; you have to like each other, too.
Overcoming Avoidant Attachment
Having strong connections with others is vital for our happiness and overall health. Our relationships with others have the power to deeply enrich our lives, as well as extend them. For some, emotional intimacy happens quite naturally. However, cultivating close relationships can be a struggle for many people.
One reason this might be the case is their attachment style. Attachment, in psychology, refers to the deep emotional bonds we form with others. People who are avoidantly attached may find it difficult to navigate relationships. Although you might face extra relationship hurdles because of an avoidant attachment style, it is still possible to cultivate a happy, healthy, loving relationship.
Read on to learn more about avoidant attachment, the ways it can affect your relationships, and how you can overcome avoidant behaviors to have stronger connections in your life.
What is Attachment Style?
Attachment theory was proposed in the 1960s by psychologist John Bowlby. Originally conceived as a two-part explanation of infant and child behavior, the model was expanded upon several times to paint a fuller picture of attachment throughout both childhood and adulthood.
Our first attachments were formed as infants to our caregivers. These are parents, grandparents, or anyone who is consistently responsible for an infant/child’s well-being.
A child’s attachment to their caregiver is a major factor in several areas of their cognitive, social, and emotional development. It forms the basis of their early coping skills, and it can have lifelong effects on their ability to have stable relationships with others.
Your attachment style describes how you form emotional bonds with people and how you behave in relationships long after childhood. It has to do with the way you were cared for early in life, but it’s not set in stone. Your life experiences as you grow into adulthood and throughout your life can also shape your attachment style in adult romantic relationships.
Attachment styles can be sorted into two basic categories—secure and insecure.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment helps children grow into well-adjusted adults. When a child is securely attached to their parent/caregiver, they trust that they can depend on their caregiver for protection and comfort. They know they can rely on their caregiver to have their basic needs met.
These children see their caregiver as a “secure base” from which they can explore the world. They feel safe leaving their base because they trust their caregiver will be there when they return. They may be upset when their parent or caregiver leaves them, but they can compose themselves and are not upset or angry with their parent when reunited.
Securely attached adults behave similarly. They might miss their partner when they’re away, but they can cope well with their feelings. They trust that they can rely on their partner for support and companionship, and they are easily able to create and respect healthy boundaries.
Insecure Attachment
Someone with an insecure attachment style might have difficulty trusting others in relationships. For any number of reasons, they weren’t able to view their caregivers as a “secure base” in early childhood. This could be because they had emotionally unavailable parents, or they were raised by someone who was unable to care for them well.
Insecure attachment can be further broken down into two groups: anxious and avoidant. Some struggle with disorganized attachment, which includes traits of both insecure attachment styles.
When a child is anxiously attached, they may stick close to their caregiver. If they’re separated, the child will often become inconsolable, even after their caregiver returns. They may also have trouble with regulating negative emotions in general, as well.
In adulthood, these anxious patterns can appear as a strong need for closeness and intimacy in a relationship. Anxiously attached adults may need frequent reassurance that others like them. They may fear abandonment and worry that their partner will leave them.
Insecure attachment styles have been linked to a higher likelihood of mental illness, such as depression and anxiety disorders. People who form insecure attachments often also struggle with low self-esteem. They may find intimacy difficult and have a hard time trusting others.
What is Avoidant Attachment?
Children may develop avoidant attachment as a result of their needs and/or emotions being dismissed or downplayed by their caregivers. This can lead children to believe that their needs are not as important as others’, and they may learn to disregard them instead of asking for help. Avoidantly attached children learn that they must rely on themselves for comfort and support.
In adulthood, this can be further broken down into fearful-avoidant attachment and dismissive-avoidant attachment.
People with dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to overlook the value of intimacy and closeness. This can make vulnerability very difficult, thus dismissively attached people are prone to isolation. They often have short, casual relationships that don’t carry the risk of emotional intimacy. Anything deeper is likely to cause distress, and thus to be avoided. This is due to a lack of trust in others.
As Dr. Morgan Anderson, psychologist, attachment expert, and author of Love Magnet: Get Off the Dating Rollercoaster and Attract the Love You Deserve says,
“If your brain has associated intimacy, closeness, dating, or relationships with pain, then it wants to keep you the hell away from it. . . . This is often why people take two steps toward love and then three steps back. Their brain sends out the message of ‘Alert! Alert! Intimacy is near! Must exit immediately or do something stupid to mess this up!’’
People who form fearful-avoidant attachments may be more likely to start leaning on others for comfort, and then withdraw. These individuals tend to isolate more out of a fear of rejection than their dismissive counterparts. This leads them to seek out intimate relationships but to jump ship when it’s time for a deeper commitment.
How to Heal Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant behaviors can get in the way of your relationship truly flourishing, or they might stop it in its tracks before it even begins.
If avoidant attachment has caused issues in your past relationships, there is hope for your current and future connections. You can learn new coping mechanisms and disrupt old patterns of thinking. Secure attachment can become second nature to you with time and effort.
If You Form Fearful-Avoidant Attachments
Learning to overcome avoidant attachment is a journey that simply can’t take place overnight. Part of this is getting more comfortable expressing vulnerability in your relationships. However, much of the work that comes with healing fearful-avoidant attachment is going to be on your relationship with yourself.
For this, Dr. Morgan has some tough love:
“The truth is that your lack of self-worth is causing your poor habits, and your poor habits are maintaining your low self-worth.”
According to Dr. Morgan, having high self-worth is the foundation for attracting the loving connections you deserve. She says the journey to restoring your self-worth begins with establishing good self-care practices.
When you’re forming new habits, Dr. Morgan stresses the importance of doing things that are genuinely beneficial to your well-being. While taking a bubble bath every night can be fun and relaxing, warm water can’t do all the heavy lifting here. To get to the root of what you need, Dr. Morgan recommends asking yourself this question:
“What habits, boundaries, and methods of communication do I need in order to be the version of me that kicks ass, takes names, and feels at peace?”
She says that one of the most effective ways to rebuild your self-worth is by changing your day-to-day actions. When you practice good self-care and allow those habits to affect different areas of your life, it has the power to change you on a fundamental level.
Your new habits will allow you to behave like someone who loves themself unapologetically. When you start behaving this way, according to Dr. Morgan, your thoughts and beliefs about yourself will eventually follow suit.
If You Form Dismissive-Avoidant Attachments
Many dismissively attached people are perfectly happy being self-reliant. However, being hyperindependent can be incredibly lonely. When you’re trying to build your capacity for intimacy, it might be hard to know where to begin. Looking more closely at your need for total independence is the first step.
One way to start chipping away at your walls is to start saying “yes” to things that are a bit outside your comfort zone. For example, if you have difficulty showing emotion in front of others, try watching a sappy movie with someone you trust. This will let you safely allow yourself to shed a few tears without getting too deep just yet.
Being vulnerable is scary for folks who form dismissive attachments. However, over time, you can teach yourself to trust intimacy from your loved ones. This allows the people you love to support you through life’s struggles, and it lets them fully celebrate your wins as well.
Final Thoughts
Some of us tend to avoid closeness because we fear we’re not good enough. Others have gotten used to handling things on their own. Whatever the reason, avoidant attachment can make relationships hard to navigate.
You don’t have to do it alone. Talking to a professional, whether a licensed therapist or a certified dating coach, can help you understand your attachment issues. Knowledge is power, so consider doing your own reading as well. Dr. Morgan Anderson’s Love Magnet is a great place to start.
With patience and time, you can learn to heal your avoidant attachment. You can face your fears and learn to let people in. And by doing that, you can enjoy deeper connections and a more fulfilling life.
Why Do People Cheat in Relationships?
Anyone who has been cheated on knows how emotionally devastating it can be. Many of us have gone searching for a reason our partner cheated, or—heartbreakingly—believed we were the cause of the infidelity.
Unfortunately, cheating happens; research found that in 2018 and 2019, 20% of men and 13% of women admitted to sleeping with someone other than their spouse while they were married.
Despite the pain, understanding why people cheat can give us insight into relationships and human behavior. We’re discussing what cheating is, why it happens, and how to move forward after cheating rocks your relationship.
Whether you're trying to heal from infidelity or curious about the complex dynamics at play, we've got you covered. Cheating can shake up a relationship, but there are ways to move forward and grow from it. Let's explore the key things to know about cheating and how to regain control after it’s happened to you.
What Is Cheating?
Every relationship is unique, so it makes sense that everyone has their own definition of what qualifies as infidelity. Some define cheating as strictly sexual, while others see it more broadly to include things like emotional affairs. Even a solo act like watching pornography is considered a no-go to some. Ultimately, cheating is whatever you and your partner agree it is.
As dating and relationship therapist, Dr. Gary Brown, puts it, "If you have an agreement with your partner that your relationship is monogamous, and you have an emotional and/or sexual affair with someone else, then you are violating your agreement with your partner — and you have cheated.”
Sounds simple enough, right? Well, without open communication between partners, the lines around what counts as "cheating" can get a little blurry. As you’ll see, cheating isn’t always cut-and-dry; one person’s expectations could be totally different from their partner’s. That’s why it’s important to have honest conversations about boundaries. Talking about what cheating means in your relationship can help you avoid misunderstandings and heartbreak down the line.
Types of Cheating
According to psychologist Gregory Kushnick, cheating comes in a few forms. He says it’s about where you direct your energy and your support. If those things are flowing away from someone’s partner and toward another sexual and/or romantic prospect, then it’s cheating.
“Cheating can be physical, emotional, and/or digital. Cheating involves channeling sexual energy or deep, emotional support toward someone who could potentially represent a sexual partner. It usually, but not always, involves some form of deceit and neglect of your partner's needs.” - Dr. Gary Kushnick, PsyD
Physical Cheating: This includes secret rendezvous, one-off hookups, and, for some, less obvious things like getting a secret lap dance at a strip club. Many people place other kinds of physical intimacy in this category as well, not just sex. This includes things like kissing, cuddling, and intimate touches.
Essentially, physical cheating is any touch that you’ve agreed not to share with anyone outside of your committed relationship. While the offenses in this category vary widely in severity, it is the one that is most universally regarded as crossing a relationship boundary.
Emotional Cheating: An emotional affair can do just as much damage as a physical one, sometimes even more. In a relationship, emotional intimacy is incredibly important. Developing an intimate emotional connection with someone new can hurt and alienate your partner.
This is not to say that other relationships should have no emotional intimacy at all. In platonic relationships, it’s important to build a level of emotional intimacy. However, this can become inappropriate if your partner is left out of the loop. It can also be considered an emotional affair if the new relationship comes at the expense of your emotional connection with your partner.
Digital Cheating: As the name suggests, this is cheating that happens in digital spaces. This could include things like exchanging steamy photos or having phone sex with someone other than your partner. Many consider spending time in adult Internet chat rooms or other NSFW interactions online to be digital cheating as well.
For some, pornography may fall under this label as well. While consuming porn is likely a solo act, it isn’t always totally innocent. If your viewing habits are a secret from your partner, it could be hurtful for them to find out. This may be especially true if the performers you typically watch don’t resemble your partner at all.
Intellectual Cheating: This one is a bit tricky to define. Many people consider their romantic partner to be their best friend, as well. Intellectual cheating happens when one partner in a relationship begins to rely on someone else for the same friendship and companionship that they once received from their partner.
This is not the same thing as sharing interests with friends. While not every interest or intellectual philosophy needs to be shared between partners, it can be hurtful to be excluded. According to sex and relationship therapist Laura Berman, PhD, Intellectual cheating happens when someone begins sharing ideas and interests with a third party, even though their partner is also interested. Ultimately, it comes down to directing energy away from your partner, Berman says.
Do Cheaters Love Their Partners?
Life is complicated, and so are relationships. While cheating can happen because partners have fallen out of love, in reality, cheaters often do love their partners. A committed relationship is a lifelong project, and nobody is perfect. That said, it is always your choice whether or not to forgive a partner who has cheated, regardless of the circumstances.
Opportunistic cheating happens when someone who genuinely loves and feels attached to their partner commits infidelity. These situations are typically one-off scenarios. As social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato says, "Not every act of infidelity is premeditated and driven by dissatisfaction with a current relationship…Maybe they were drinking or in some other way thrown into an opportunity they didn't anticipate."
No matter the situation, experts say cheating is the result of poor impulse control and selfishness. As licensed marriage and family therapist, Jeff Yoo puts it, “All humans can be tempted. It comes down to the core of who the individual is.”
Why Do People Decide to Cheat?
People cheat in relationships for many different reasons. It’s important to remember that whatever their reason, it’s not your fault.
Insecurity - it’s not about you.
There is an element of this in most cases where infidelity is an issue. When someone has low self-esteem, they might seek approval from any source they can. This approval-seeking could lead them to do things they otherwise might not even consider, like crossing a boundary in their relationship.
For instance, a big argument with their partner might cause someone to feel like they’re not good enough. This could lead them to seek approval and affection from someone else. On a normal day, this might never happen. However, in a vulnerable state, the validation of someone else’s affection can make cheating seem more enticing.
Attachment issues
Attachment style has a big influence on how we behave in relationships. Someone’s attachment style alone can’t determine whether they’ll cheat in a relationship, but it can offer some insight when infidelity does happen. For example, cheating may be a way for an avoidantly attached partner to regain a sense of control and safety in the relationship.
Being in love requires a lot of vulnerability, which can be scary. Someone with an avoidant attachment style responds to this call for openness with an instinct to run away, or to avoid the situation. This can make communication difficult, leading to resentment and setting the stage for infidelity.
Self-Sabotage
It’s sad but many people don’t believe themselves to be worthy of love. This is most often learned from past experiences where parents, trusted loved ones, or previous relationship partners have treated them poorly. Unless we can break patterns in our relationship choices, we learn to accept the treatment we receive.
Sometimes, when a person is used to being in this kind of relationship, they haven’t learned how to behave in a healthy, peaceful relationship. They may cross a boundary in your relationship as a misguided way to “test” your love; your reaction to their infidelity is a way to confirm what they already believe about themself.
Inability to End the Relationship
In some cases, someone may cheat because they believe it will make you break up with them. Instead of having a conversation about their concerns in the relationship, this kind of cheater chooses to force your hand by doing something that will make you stand up and say it’s time to go your separate ways.
How to Move Forward After Being Cheated On
While relationships sometimes do survive infidelity, cheating is often a catastrophic betrayal. Dealing with the emotional fallout of infidelity while grieving the end of a relationship can be overwhelming. It’s important to take steps to protect your mental health.
It’s okay to take things slowly. Being cheated on can be difficult to bounce back from, so be patient with yourself. Don’t force yourself to get back out there before you’re ready. Your time will come; just take it one day at a time.
The end of a relationship is an opportunity to begin a new chapter of your life. Try to take some time to reflect on your past relationships, and acknowledge the ways you’ve grown through heartbreak. Don’t forget that you can choose how to move forward now, too.
You can choose to be loved by people who value you and treat you well. We often internalize things from life experiences that can lead us to relationship trouble later on. If you find that your past relationships bear similarities, it’s worth looking closer.
When you recognize and understand the patterns that are holding you back, you can interrupt them. This is a vital part of the healing process and the path to a happy, healthy relationship.
In Conclusion
Someone’s reason for cheating isn’t always obvious or straightforward. It could be because they feel insecure, have issues with how they connect to others, or they’re just not sure how to handle being loved. Sometimes, people cheat because they're trying to push their partner away.
If you've been cheated on, it's important to take care of yourself and not rush into anything. Take your time to heal and think about what you want for yourself moving forward.
Cheating hurts, but it can also teach us about ourselves and what we need in a healthy relationship. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, and understanding the “why” behind infidelity can help you find that in the future.