Profile Pictures are Worth A Thousand Words
Today we’re covering one of my favourite topics—Profile Pictures!
I will admit, I am often guilty of being highly critical when it comes to crafting a dating profile. I like to think of it as a resume for love. Please forgive my passion, but I cannot stress enough, how important it is to put your best foot forward with a flattering photo.
Your photo is the first thing people see, and it’s what will make them want to swipe right or message you. We have done some experiments to see what gets the right attention and what attracts the wrong attention.
Did you know most people make up their mind about you within the first six seconds?
So, what are your profile pictures telling them at first glance? Your first goal is to just get them to give your profile a second look; pique their interest!
Profile Pictures Are a Must
Not having photos on your dating profile will get you all the wrong attention. If people think you want to be anonymous, then most will assume you are only after a casual sexual encounter. If that’s not what you’re looking for, then let’s make sure you post a really good photo that indicates this isn’t what you want.
It is better to wait until you are ready to post your profile pictures and your bio is complete before you start browsing so that you start out on the right foot.
Without a photo, you will only attract unwanted attention, and this can be hard for some people to handle.
Your main photo should be you and you alone. No children, friends, family, or pets. Just a nice, clear photo of you. Pose naturally, smile, dress and wear your hair as you would for a typical first date.
Headshots are great, but you should also include a full-body photo in your profile.
Depending on how many photos you can upload to the site or app you’re using, you can include group shots, but make sure it’s not the first thing they see. Nobody wants to go hunting through a photo to find out which one you are.
There are some apps that hide or blur your photos, so that you have to get to know someone before you make a snap judgement on their appearance.
It is a great tool to get you to pay a monthly subscription as most people are so curious they will pay just to see what someone looks like, and then you choose who you reveal your photo to.
Keep Your Photos Updated
Ok, let’s get serious now, why would you want to put a photo up from five years ago? None of us are getting any younger, that’s a well-known fact! People are known to send the oldest and best photo they have, and it infuriates me. I am often sent a photo before a consultation to show me how a potential client represents themselves and when I meet them I do a double take!
When I ask how old the photo is, I inevitably hear a story about someone’s brother’s wedding from three years ago. It makes me crazy.
No wonder they are not getting any second dates! Usually, the first date doesn’t even last longer than 30-60 minutes, depending on how polite the other person is. I understand feeling self-conscious about aging, but you’re setting yourself up for failure if you misrepresent yourself online.
Keep your photos current and make sure they’re an honest reflection of you. We are constantly changing. Anytime your style changes, you update your hair colour, gain or lose weight, etc. you should be updating your photos. If you’re clean shaven, don’t have a beard in all of your photos.
You should also change your photos up every three months or so, after all it doesn’t reflect well if people see the same photos. They’re likely to think you are a serial dater. If a photo is not generating the right interest then change it sooner. Play around with your profile pictures and bio until you find what works.
How to Speak Fluent Body Language
Joe Navarro has written several books on body language and non-verbal communication. In his book, What Every Body is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People, Navarro discusses how non-verbal communication is guided by the limbic system, a very primitive part of our brains.
The limbic system assesses danger and risk, preparing the body for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions. It is also the portion of the brain responsible for the high we feel when we fall in love.
Once you learn how to read key phrases of your partner’s body language, you’ll be better equipped to decipher their needs and fill their love tank.
According to Vanessa Van Edwards, Author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, there are over 800 non-verbal signals made during a 30-minute first date.
The problem is, we’re not taught to be aware of the signals we’re subconsciously giving off or how to read and interpret others’ cues. It’s just one of those social skills we’re expected to pick up and adapt to which is difficult or even impossible for some.
Decoding Body Language
Being even marginally aware of body language, can lead to better connections and conversations. Some suggest as much as 80% of human communication is non-verbal.
Although it may be difficult to decode, there is good news. Body language is a more honest form of communication than verbal because so much of it is subconscious. Even the best poker faces can’t control micro-expressions.
She’s leaning in; that’s good. But is she trying to get closer to you or just the charcuterie board?
Fellas, we already know that women have better intuition, so learning to read your date, may take some practice.
It’s true that crossed arms and fidgeting can be a sign someone is disinterested, angry, or closed off. But it’s important to take the entire situation into account.
Is this your first date? It could just be a sign of anxiety. Did you cross your arms first? Perhaps they’re mirroring you; in this case it could indicate increased interest.
Positive non-verbal communication can include blushing, fumbling over her words, playing with her hair, fiddling with her clothes, or touching her lips. Getting tongue-tied often means one is nervous and trying to make a good impression.
Did you know hair follicles release pheromones?
Pay attention to whether she opens her body toward you or away. Subtle touches are great signs. If she slaps your knee when you make her laugh, or touches your arm for emphasis, you can bet she’s into you.
Mirroring
Mirroring is subconscious mimicking. You know the saying, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? It’s true. If someone likes you, they will start to adopt your mannerisms and movements.
We like people who are like us. Love and belonging are a vital part of our hierarchy of needs. It’s why cults exist and civilizations survive.
Now that you know this, you can alter your own behavior to mirror your date and build a stronger connection.
Don’t be creepy about it and follow her every move, but subtle things like mirroring the way she leans on her elbow, or fiddling with your tie after she adjusts her necklace.
Know Your Angles
First and foremost, I want you to relax and sit comfortably on your date. Take a few deep breaths, because the most important thing is that you feel confident and secure.
Now, let’s think about how to make small adjustments to your posture so that you’re comfortable, but still giving off positive energy.
Tilt your head slightly when she speaks to show you’re listening intently. Try to maintain an open position and close some of the space between you.
Angle your body toward your date—head, shoulders, knees, and toes—pointed in her direction. Notice her body language, is she angled toward you or is she pointing directly at the door?
Touch Yourself
Your beard produces significantly more pheromones than your head. Increased testosterone causes facial hair growth, so twirl your mustache or stroke your beard, and watch the ladies come running.
On second thought, don’t touch your face during a Pandemic. But when it’s over, you should know how to use your hands to flirt.
Touching your throat or neck indicates you’re not a threat. You can also mess with your hair, fiddle with your watch, adjust your glasses, etc.
Eyes Are Everything
Speaking of glasses, avoid wearing sunglasses.
Eye contact releases the bonding hormone, oxytocin. Studies show your eyes dilate when you look at someone you care about. Both of these are hidden behind shades.
I do want to issue a word of caution. Despite the heading, eye contact is not everything. There are a number of conditions and diagnoses which make eye contact difficult or impossible for people to maintain.
Even if she’s not staring longingly into your eyes, notice where she is focusing her line of sight. Has something just caught her attention briefly or is she signaling rejection?
Is she staring at your lips then coyly averting her gaze? It might be time to think about leaning in for the first kiss.
How to Spot Online Imposters
Fun fact about me: in my twenties, I tried online dating. Back then, online dating was new and taboo. Like Fight Club, the first rule was don’t talk about it; lie about where you met. It was as if I had become a member of some clandestine society, wearing this figurative offline cloak of secrecy. Not only did I not discuss it, I certainly would’ve never considered writing about it. But, here I am and frankly, the statute of limitations has expired. So let’s take a long hard look at online imposters and how to protect yourself from them.
More is Not Always Better
Keep in mind, two decades ago there were only a few players in the online dating market, a stark contrast from today.
It didn’t matter if you were seeking a fellow dog lover, or a faith-focused Christian, maybe even a partner who was living the farm life there was no online platform bigger than Match.com. Yet, their online community was a collective of all walks of life, so niche preferences didn’t make the cut on any drop-down fields when building a profile or searching the profiles of others.
While the online market is filled with countless additions since then, no matter what the URL they all do have something in common—online imposters.
They are filled with attractive men and women, seemingly looking for a committed relationship. They have bios that speak to every disservice or pain-point any reader has or ever will encounter in a relationship.
This is the first of many red flags.
Can you relate? You read her profile and wonder how she can possibly be single? She’s only 66 miles away. You begin to think you’d travel for someone this incredible. Suddenly your distance deal breaker is negotiable because this woman shouldn’t be single, but you’re glad she is.
Listen to Your Instincts
This is where I go back to my great-grandmother’s advice (this will be a common reference in my blogs) that lives with me 30+ years later.
If it’s too good to be true, it is.
If you are online, it’s safe to say you have yet to find one single person that captures just a few of your wants. Then all of a sudden, here comes someone who seemingly possesses everything you are looking for. It’s a catch-all sales tactic most often seen on late-night infomercials.
Okay, so you messaged the wildly attractive no-way-they’re-real profile...no judgement here! I admire people who believe the glass is half-full. However, there are countless good-hearted people who have been scammed by online imposters, so I must advise you to be skeptical as you move forward.
If within the first few messages you notice any of the following red flags, I urge you to end the conversation and move on:
- They give you a different name from the one on his profile.They’re likely on several sites under different aliases.
- He invites you to message using an app like WhatsApp or Kik
- They tell you they’re not officially divorced. It’s likely their spouse is not even aware they’re unofficially divorced.
- Their original location was local, but after you connect, they are traveling abroad, usually urgently.
- They ask what you do for a living, specifics about your family, what zip code you live in, but refuse to answer the same or similar questions. Ever hear of stranger danger?
- Beware when you ask a specific, yet common question about their hometown. For example, I once asked a man from Chicago if he was a Cubs or Sox fan. He replied that he wasn’t into basketball.
If your intuition is alerting you to stranger danger, it’s time to listen.
Spelling & Grammar
Many online imposters will use exceedingly poor spelling and grammar despite often boasting post-graduate degrees. Pay attention, this is where the journalist in me kicks in. It’s one thing to have a misspelling here and there. No telling, they may be on the go, in a hurry, or maybe they just have fat fingers, who knows?
Does their language style and conversation skills match the profile they’re portrayed? The improper use of words and verb tenses, as well as bizarre punctuation are all big red flags. If your intuition hasn’t kicked in just yet, well, I’m trying to help you here!
Why are there so many online imposters? What can they possibly gain? There are a million reasons why someone is online and maybe they’re bored just like you? But, other reasons can be far more dangerous and deceitful.
Use Common Sense
If you met someone in a bar or a social event and they asked you deeply personal questions in a very short time period, it should sound an alarm. Gut-instinct is something we are all born with, but it's a conscious choice as to whether or not we listen and allow it to guide us.
Be weary of anyone that asks you to talk in great detail about yourself. It’s easy to feel flattered that another person is eager to learn about you. No one can fault you for loving the attention, but don’t lose your sensibilities in the process. We have all been living in quarantine for the last year, so it’s easy to get caught up in compliments, if even you know they’re coming from an online imposter.
These imposters are very good at what they do. They quickly build a connection with you from what you tell them. The information you give them in conversation is used to craft a script that speaks to your heart. They want to hook you and leave you with the impression that this stranger truly cares about you.
I’m sorry, but...
Online Imposters Do Not Care About You
Sadly, they craft messaging around the very private information you share with them. You could go on wasting your time or worse, losing money. Some ask for you to send them unused gift cards, bank account information with the end goal—money. Don’t fall for the scheme.
You are talking to a scam artist, not your future husband or wife. In 2018, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) received thousands of reports of romance scammers who created fake online relationships only to steal their victims’ money.
Signs of a scam are always evolving, but the FTC boiled it down quickly:
- Tell you they love you quickly.
- Are from the U.S. but are overseas either for business or military.
- Ask for money in an attempt to lure you off the dating site.
- Promise to visit but an emergency prevents them from doing so.
Please be smart. While I’m warning you, I’m not the U.S. government, and even they know this is dangerous territory.
When you’re online, lead with your head, not your heart. All of the cues we are privy to in person: body language, mannerisms, eye contact or validation of one’s appearance are absent online. An online photo on a dating site isn’t confirmation that someone looks like that today or ever.
So, whatever method you opt to use to find love, be sure to properly vet them or employ others to do the work for you. It’s a jungle out there, so arm yourself with your weapons of gut-instinct and common sense. It will help save your heart and perhaps, your wallet!
Stay safe in your quest for love,
Jodi
*If you feel as if you have been a victim of an online dating scam, please report your incident to reportfraud.ftc.gov and the respective online dating site.
Silent Suffering: Uncommunicated Expectations
A few weeks ago, I discussed putting yourself back out there and managing attention seeking behavior. Today, I want to talk about what happens after you’ve met someone. How do you effectively express your needs in a culture of uncommunicated expectations?
Let’s assume you’ve cozied up with a partner who shares similar goals. You’re mutually aligned in your desires, interests and big-picture life plans. This is where a lot of couples fall prey to comfortability. They stop putting in the work.
Open Communication: Recommended Daily
Just because you’ve found your person, doesn’t mean your work is done and it’s smooth sailing till death do you part. Often the strongest, most compatible couples fall victim to uncommunicated expectations, miscommunication, and false assumptions.
Just as it was important to find someone that shared the same intentions, likes, or interests as you, it is equally important to ensure the expectations within those shared beliefs and ideals are communicated routinely.
It is just as important to address the uncommunicated expectations of your daily routines as it is the big life-altering decisions. Small false assumptions can slowly cripple a couple overtime.
How often is it the small, every-day things that go wrong resulting in a disproportionately large reaction because you were fed up and just exploded?
An apple a day keeps the Doctor away, but daily dialogue keeps the divorce attorneys at bay.
Nourish your relationship with a daily check in. Before you go to sleep each night, open a dialogue with your partner. Make this part of your bedtime routine, and never go to bed angry again. Ask each other things like:
- What is the one thing you wish had gone differently today?
- Did I do anything to upset you today?
- What was the highlight and lowlight of your day?
He Should Have Known
Your partner can not read your mind. You cannot expect them to know and remember all of your likes, dislikes, preferences, etc.
For example, I once had a client who was absolutely irate that her match had taken her out on his boat for their third date. When I pushed her for clarification she explained that on their first date she told him, “I’m not a very outdoorsy person.”
She then felt as if he hadn’t listened to her and ultimately disrespected her by taking her to do something she (in her mind) had explicitly told him she would hate.
From the outside looking in, it’s clear this was just a matter of uncommunicated expectations. Don’t assume others will interpret your words correctly. Be specific when you communicate your needs, boundaries, etc.
At the center of all failed partnerships is a breakdown of communication, in part because we tend to assume things rather than talk about them. All too often we take each other and for granted and in that, we make assumptions about one another that we compartmentalize silently.
In fact, the better a couple knows one another, the more likely they are to make assumptions instead of asking the other person directly. And you know what they say about people who assume things...they make an ass out of you and me.
Do not assume, just ask.
No Days Off
People are constantly evolving, as are our relationships. It’s an organic process. That said, expectations of a relationship can change over time.
Maybe you have to relocate for work and your partner is not moving with you. You never consciously entered into a long-distance relationship, but now here you are.
No matter what the pending distance you will soon face, it will challenge your commitment with a decline in the amount of quality time you will spend together. So, be sure to set and communicate newfound expectations, as it relates to this new facet of your relationship.
How do you navigate this new normal? Do you now need to talk or FaceTime daily or multiple times a week? Whatever you both decide needs to be discussed before moving day. Without setting and discussing these expectations, especially when there are sudden and unexpected changes, no relationship, long-distance or otherwise, will survive.
When in Doubt Talk it Out
Have you ever heard someone say the cause of their divorce was too much communication? Because I haven’t.
Don’t assume your partner is aware of something if you haven’t discussed it. Conversely, don’t use your partner’s lack of awareness as a weapon. Often, couples will accuse one another of not being present in the relationship if the other was not aware of a particular conflict or issue.
No one will ever fault you for talking through things to establish and clarify expectations.
Couples that maintain strong bonds, long-term relationships, and successful marriages put all their cards on the table. They will communicate anything and everything to one another out of mutual respect and love. It is not an annual exercise, it’s a daily process that fortifies even the strongest of relationships.
So don’t let your relationship fall ill to uncommunicated expectations. Think of communication as a necessary part of your relationship’s daily upkeep. So be sure to get your daily dose of dialogue in. You will build a strong, lasting bond with your partner that will be able to withstand whatever changes come your way.
Putting Yourself Out There: Ready for a Relationship or Just Want Attention?
If you are single, chances are you have been putting yourself out there in some form, whether it be with a matchmaking service, posting an online profile, or venturing out in public situations with a goal of meeting someone.
People can often be nomadic, roaming from various forums to find someone to connect with on whatever the level they can. She may be quick to seek out a companion. But she will often become much less hasty when it comes time to define what she truly wants.
So, before you go putting yourself out there, think about what it is that you are really seeking. And if you don’t know, maybe this will help you consider defining what you are looking for in the first place.
Don't Go Putting Yourself Out there for Just Anybody
For starters, if their dating profile says any iteration of the following—do yourself a favor and run.
I’m recently divorced, so I’m just seeing what’s out there. I’m not really sure what I want.
This is a red flag. If it’s your desire to find a lasting relationship, don’t waste your time on someone who is just playing the field.
It is easy to assume when someone openly discusses being single or talks about being lonely, that he or she in fact, wants a companion. But, that can mean different things to different people, so you need to define the context.
Clarify expectations before you ever meet someone. This will go a long way in deciphering if it is even worth getting gussied up. Find out if they’re looking for a relationship or just a body to fill in the void of loneliness.
So many of us have been siloed because of the COVID Pandemic. What we’re craving now more than ever, is connectivity to one another. Unfortunately, this often causes people to act out with attention seeking behavior.
Don't be Fooled by Attention Seeking Behavior
Desiring the attention of others is simply the need to be heard or validated by another. It’s an intrinsic Maslovian need all humans share. But just because someone displays attention seeking behavior, it does not necessarily mean they want a relationship.
As we slowly transition back to our semi-normal lives, a lot of people have blurred the lines between truly wanting a relationship and just seeking attention. We have all lived in a bubble lacking the simple interactions that we used to take for granted.
Interacting with someone at the post office or talking to the salesclerk at our favorite store, perhaps greeting the Principal as we dropped our kids off at school—all these routine communications helped with the balance sheet we all have that tracks our need for human interaction.
For many people, these tedious interactions fed our appetite for attention, even when we weren’t consciously processing them as such.
But living for the last year without those day-to-day errands or interactions in our lives, our inherent nature to be validated in even the smallest of ways has met a deficit. These interactions for many have become extinct, forcing our attention balance sheets into the red.
This has created an influx of daters on the scene with varying intentions. You’re putting yourself out there with individuals who have both clear and murky intentions.
Don't Expect a Relationship to Fix All Your Problems
Be sure to clarify their intent before meeting. Are they looking for attention or a relationship?
A relationship is presumed to include positive and affirming attention. Although successful relationships are built on attentivity to one’s partner, it should not be construed that every relationship has this successful pairing. Meaning, if you have a relationship, you will therefore reap attention from your partner.
In fact, marriages often fail because a partner feels disconnected, isolated, or alone. This leads to a breakdown in communication, and lack of such. Much of this is tied to simply not paying attention to one’s partner and validating him or her in a positive way.
Keep in mind no one puts themselves out there without having some reason in mind for doing so. Do not be fooled. Often singles will say they do not know what they want, but put themselves in the peripheral of others who are fully in touch with their desires.
Think about what motivated you into putting yourself out there in the first place. Were you looking for true love or a bit of validation?
It is okay to be lonely, it is okay to want a relationship, it is okay to simply want the attention of another. Simply own it and say so. Putting yourself out there, means revealing your wants and needs.
So, speak your truth, regardless of your intentions. Align yourself with a partner seeking the same as you. No one can fault you for being honest.
Dating After Divorce: How to Prepare for a New Chapter
According to researchers, divorce is the second most stressful life event one can experience. Preceded only by the death of a loved one and followed by a health crisis. Dating after divorce can be equally stressful if you’re not prepared.
The first thing you should consider is how dating has evolved tremendously over the last decade. Tinder came on the scene in September 2012, followed by Bumble in 2014.
So, chances are things will be very different from first dates you’ve experienced in the past. Gone are the days of buying her flowers and picking her up at her front door for a first date.
When to Get Back Out There
Unfortunately, I cannot definitively say when someone is ready to start dating after divorce. Every relationship is different; every person is different. Only you will know when you’re ready; move at your own pace.
Your friends and family will encourage you to move on and play the field. They mean well, but you know yourself better than anyone else does. Trust your gut. It’s okay if you’re not ready.
You should wait until your marriage is officially over, including all the legalities: separation of assets, custody agreements, alimony, etc.
If you are emotionally over your ex, but the paperwork isn’t quite dry, I would advise you to just put off seriously considering another relationship for those last few months.
Things start to get messy when you start something new without tying up all of your loose ends first.
Secondly, ask yourself—is it really another relationship you want? Don’t fire up the dating apps just because you’re feeling a bit lonely on Sunday evening. Are you looking for validation in the form of shirtless bathroom selfies or are you truly ready to open your heart and life up to another person?
When a marriage dissolves, so does the dream of a life together. You planned forever with someone; imagined growing old with her. Then, suddenly it’s all gone. You have to take the time to mourn the loss, just as you would a death.
As painful as it is, let yourself experience the grief. Don’t try to mask it with new women—that will only delay your healing.
After about a year, most people feel ready to move on. But you should still expect some intense feelings to pop up from time to time. Trauma has a way of doing that. Allow yourself to have those mini meltdowns. It is a natural part of the healing process and it means you’re one step closer to dating after divorce.
Use this time alone to learn about yourself. Reflect on your failed marriage. Will you do anything differently next time? What characteristics will you look for when you’re ready to start dating after divorce?
What to Expect When You're Dating After Divorce
It’s normal to struggle with how to step out of the husband role and into the boyfriend position.
This woman has not made a commitment to you yet. You have not stood in front of God and your loved ones to say vows. You are not her husband.
Let me say that one more time—you are not her husband.
Maybe someday you will be her husband, but don’t rush it. Don’t force it. Relish your time as the boyfriend. Learn about yourself, your partner, and how you fit into one another’s lives. Use this time to see if she is someone you could spend forever with.
Don’t use intimacy to manipulate the situation. Some people use physical touch with multiple partners as a way to escape their emotions. Others combine sex and monogamy in an attempt to make the relationship progress more quickly.
Both usually end in disaster.
When you’re used to being one-half of a whole, it’s very difficult to learn how to be on your own. It’s a lonely process full of self-doubt.
There will be women who seem perfect for weeks and they will disappear out of thin air. This is called ghosting.
Try Something New
I would wager you learned a thing or two about yourself during your divorce that you didn’t know before. I challenge you to continue doing that. Expand your horizons. Try new things. Work on yourself. See a therapist. Start a new hobby.
Explore your deal breakers and really discern if they are things you need in a partner or just preferences you want. Go out with women you normally wouldn’t consider.
Give personality and common interest your primary attention, and make physical attraction a secondary criteria. Science has shown that attraction grows over time. Our brains release a cocktail of happy hormones whenever we are around people who make us laugh and feel good.
The more time you spend with that person, the better she looks.
You may find that you’re attracted to women who look nothing like your ex. Trauma has a way of doing that too.
Trust that if your Matchmaker suggests someone, there is a definitive reason that the two of you were paired. This is your chance to meet all different types of women from various backgrounds and cultures.
Give it a shot. I dare you.
How to Fight the First Date Fears: 4 Expert Tips
I can promise you this: every client I have ever consulted has concerns and anxieties surrounding the First Date. The most important thing to remember early on, is to remain present. Stay in the moment and just enjoy one another’s company. This is the easiest way to combat any first date fears.
First things first. Take a deep breath and relax. When people get nervous, they talk too much. Just remember, your specially-trained matchmaker is here to help coach you through every step of the process.
Goodbye first date fears!
Don't Put Too Much Pressure on the Situation
I often hesitate to even use the word date for a first meeting between matches. Meeting is really the better word. Date has a romantic connotation, and while matchmaking is obviously a service for people seeking romance, it would be unrealistic to expect every single first date to end in a love connection.
We can eliminate some of those first date fears simply by omitting the word date. First date fears often occur because people put an enormous amount of pressure on themselves, their date, and the situation. Some go into every encounter with the opposite sex hoping it turns into marriage and a white picket fence. Others are so picky they will write their date off in the first five minutes for something trivial.
Both of these approaches are incorrect.
Let’s think about it from a business perspective. When you were a novice in your career, you didn’t go into every single job interview expecting to not only get the job, but to retire from that company. Alternatively, would you turn down your dream job because you didn’t like the break room?
Do Focus on the Positives
One thing I tell all of my clients going into a first date is to find three things you like, appreciate, or enjoy about the person. That’s it. Just three. But by focusing your efforts on finding positive traits in the person sitting across from you, you can overcome the silly things that put you in a negative headspace.
So you hated his shoes? If you’re really looking for lasting love, overlook the shoes. Does his lifestyle align with yours? Do you have similar goals in life? Did he make you feel safe and special? Did he match your sense of humor? Was he charming? Kind? Handsome? Punctual? Try to focus on the things about him you would like in a partner, even if you know he’s not a fit.
Do Take Note of the Negatives
In addition to making a concerted effort to find value in your match, it’s equally important to gather information about the things you don’t like. Especially if those things enter into deal breaker territory.
If you learn she has a pet you’re highly allergic to, that’s probably not going to be a long-lasting relationship. But now, your matchmaker will know to screen for that before making any future connections.
Take mental notes to reflect on later. Everything that happens between the two of you is data and information that will be helpful to your matchmaker in facilitating your next match. Sharing three positives in addition to all the reasons you know he or she is not The One with your matchmaker will help us in our search to find you love.
Even bad dates are good dates, because you learn what you don’t want, and so does your Matchmaker. We use each and every interaction to fine-tune your profile, so that we can find someone who ticks off your most important boxes.
Don't Mentally Move in
We’re all human. After a few great dates with a high-quality woman, it’s nearly impossible to keep the day dreams at bay. The thoughts silently slip in, “Could this be what I’ve been searching for? Maybe she’s The One.” This is where I urge you to pause and set realistic expectations.
There is nothing wrong with these thoughts. Dating can be and should be fun. It’s natural to have hope that this develops into a relationship filled with love and trust and acceptance, and all the things that Maslow told us humans need.
I want my clients to get butterflies and feel excited about this process, but I wouldn’t be doing my job well if I didn’t tell you to remove your foot from the gas pedal, and just take it one date at a time.
Allow love the opportunity to grow and develop naturally without any unnecessary pressure or stress. Stay present throughout each date, give it your undivided attention, gather data, and don’t get in your own way. If you are able to do all of this, you can overcome any and all first date fears.
Professional Matchmaking: How to Never Get Ghosted Again
If you have spent any amount of time in the dating scene over the past few years, chances are you have heard of the ghosting phenomenon. Hopefully, you aren’t guilty of ghosting anyone, and likewise have not been the victim of a ghost. At Executive Matchmakers, our priority is helping you find genuine, lasting love, so you never get ghosted again.
Did you know that over half of today’s daters have first-hand experience with ghosting?
What exactly does it mean to get ghosted?
Ghosting is the sudden, unexpected cease of all communication from one party within a relationship. Although the term is new, it wasn’t born through dating apps, and it isn’t a new concept.
I assume you have heard the cliché of a father who went out for cigarettes and never came back—that guy ghosted his whole family. It’s not specific to romantic relationships either, we all know a guy who ditches his friends whenever he gets a girlfriend.
The most common form of ghosting can be explained by the following scenario:
You matched with a woman online and shared a number of pleasant chats. You ask for her number and eventually to meet in person. After a few dates and weeks of FaceTiming, she suddenly stops responding to your texts. She dodges your calls, and bails on your weekend plans. You assume she’s caught up in work and give it a week or so before you start to worry. Eventually, you ask her what went wrong, but you get no answer. You’re then left wondering if you did something wrong, she met someone else, or even if she died.
This is an emotionally painful situation to find yourself in. You may have been the perfect gentleman and said all the right things, but she just didn’t see a future with you for one reason or another. Unfortunately, she was unable to communicate that to you—so she ghosted.
“It’s really important to remember if someone ghosts you, that behavior says more about them than you. It’s about their discomfort.” -Dr. Jennice Vilhauer
Why do I keep getting ghosted?
I’m a firm believer that most negative behavior stems from a basis of fear. When humans are afraid, they respond with either fight, flight, or freeze. Ghosting is a combination of the latter two. The ghost freezes communication because she’s afraid of the outcome if the relationship continues, and she flees from the situation in order to avoid difficult conversations or unwanted outcomes.
Fear isn’t the only reason women ghost though. Maybe she’s busy with her career or her family. She could be going through a rough time, either mentally or physically. I think we can all agree, COVID-19 has thrown everyone into a bit of a crisis. Maybe she met someone unexpectedly or an ex came back into her life. And there’s the hardest pill of all to swallow: she’s just not that into you.
But what is she afraid of?
Perhaps it’s a fear of rejection. A sort of get them before they get me first approach. People with this method of dating are not in the right mindset for a long-lasting, committed relationship anyway. Someone who has a pattern of leaving before they get left, will never stay long enough to work through the hard stuff that life tends to throw at us.
One of the most common fears that cause women to ghost is the fear of retaliation. We have been socialized and trained to play nice and never offend a man’s ego. Because of that, some women were simply never taught a polite but effective way to turn down a man’s advances.
How many comedies play off of a woman’s inability to kindly reject a man who buys her a drink at a bar, when she’s clearly not interested in him? There is more truth in that than most of us would like to admit.
Unfortunately, there is a darker side to this fear of retaliation. And that is the very real threat of violence and abuse women have historically experienced at the hands of men with bruised pride.
If the woman who ghosted you has been a victim of or a witness to abuse in her lifetime, try not to take it personally. She probably has a level of fear that revolves around her interactions with men, and ghosting feels like a safer alternative.
Is she too busy or just lazy?
Honestly, does it matter? Whether she’s hustling in her career working 80-hour weeks, or has been on her couch in the same pair of sweatpants all weekend—the fact is she hasn’t made time for you in her life. She may be actively ignoring you, AKA ghosting, or she may just have a mile-long priority list that doesn’t include you.
Will one scenario sting less than the other? I doubt it. It hurts when someone you were developing feelings for doesn’t reciprocate, no matter what the circumstances are.
That being said, I’m a proponent of second chances. If she reaches out with an apology and a valid explanation for being absent, why not give it one more date? That is if you still see potential in the relationship, of course.
How do I never get ghosted again?
Well, there are no guarantees in life, but matchmaking is a smarter, safer way to meet people.
The use of dating apps has created a lot of lazy daters. We pick up our phones and sometimes getting a date is as easy as ordering a pizza. If we don’t catch the other person’s attention within a few messages, they get bored and move on to the next app. We have thousands of possible matches in our pocket. We may give it a few dates, and if that person doesn’t blow our mind, we start swiping again.
It’s all pretty indicative of where we are as a society in terms of instant gratification.
But there is good news! There are alternatives to the monotony of endless swiping, texting, and eventual ghosting. There are better, safer, more efficient ways to date in 2020. At Executive Matchmakers, we have years of experience matching like-minded singles who go on to happy, healthy, long-lasting relationships.
The main reason that ghosting is so prevalent in recent years, is because we’re meeting complete strangers at an unprecedented rate. Previous generations met their mates through mutual friends, family members, church, work, and school. They typically had at least one other person in common with their date.
Take the following situation for example:
Let’s say your Aunt set you up with a young woman from her church. If you were rude on your first date, or you completely disappeared on the woman, it’s likely that she will complain to your Aunt about your behavior. Your Aunt would then hold you accountable and you would face consequences.
When you date strangers from the internet with no mutual connections, there is little to no accountability, and people feel free to behave in ways they probably wouldn’t if their Aunt was privy to the situation.
Your personal matchmaker will not only work to match you with your ideal partner, but she will also follow up with you and your matches to provide her expert coaching and advice. Our priority is helping you find genuine, lasting love so you never get ghosted again.